04-08-2015, 01:55 PM
S1: Ah, I like the strong imagery here. L2 throws off the rhythm a bit though.
S2L1,2: I wish you would show this, rather than just say it. L2 especially is just filled with auxiliary verbs and the vague 'you'.
I feel like instead of starting off kind of medium and then expanding into generalizations, you could narrow in, literally showing
'the devil in the details'. But that criticism is directly in lieu of the fact that you don't have any concrete imagery in your last two stanzas.
This could be much more Stepford Wives. I think adding some venom would be fun, also.
S2L1,2: I wish you would show this, rather than just say it. L2 especially is just filled with auxiliary verbs and the vague 'you'.
I feel like instead of starting off kind of medium and then expanding into generalizations, you could narrow in, literally showing
'the devil in the details'. But that criticism is directly in lieu of the fact that you don't have any concrete imagery in your last two stanzas.
This could be much more Stepford Wives. I think adding some venom would be fun, also.