04-01-2015, 09:56 PM
(04-01-2015, 09:04 PM)Bananadon Wrote: Have you ever shaken hands with a killer,Hi, and welcome to the site.
And noticed from just their touch
That they've paid for all of their sins?
As living with guilt is far too much.
Have you ever shaken hands with a killer,
And felt the tide of their misery
Crash against the palm of your hand?
A life story in one moment of synergy.
Have you ever shaken hands with a killer,
And felt the sweat of their crimes?
When closer than any other,
You understand they've done their time.
Have you ever shaken hands with a killer?
Their grip, so tight, like love's grasp,
And their eyes pierce yours,
As if to say, how they long to correct their past.
Have you ever shaken hands with a killer?
Most have, but few recall,
For they are many in number, but still so rare to find,
They do so much to hide their evil.
Have you ever shaken hands with me?
If so I hope you know my dread,
For what I've done is inexcusable,
And all that I love, is dead.
I think, with one exception, you've done a good job with the rhyme here. It is not overbearing or too lighthearted for the subject. In S5 not only is the recall/evil not close enough, I think "that few recall" may not be what you are meaning to say. Surely if the experience was as strong as you say they would recall, but I believe you are saying they never realized whose hand they were shaking, so "recall" is just off in all ways for me.
On your refrain: It is already your title, I think you should consider whether or not repeating it really adds to the impact. If you decide to keep it I think it would improve the poem to change it up a bit each time, or every other time.
L4 needs a tweak, maybe in the punctuation, it's not a proper sentence as is.
Hope this helps, thanks for posting it, I hope you enjoy the site.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

