04-01-2015, 11:34 AM
(04-01-2015, 10:21 AM)christophx Wrote:Thanks for reading and commenting Chris. I have some editing to do based on everyone's thoughts, but I'm pleased you enjoyed this 1st draft. Welcome to the site.(03-30-2015, 12:21 PM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: I don't want to edit the life out of this before hearing some of your thoughts. Call it respect.
Sundays
In a way I lost them both last year;
one to ashes, the other to dissolve
her last sugars into safe, appropriate cups of tea. Very interesting use of dissolve linked to sugars/tea. Unique phrasing
What's hardest for me is the smell of bacon.
It ghosts me back Love this phrase partnered with the previous line,
to Sunday mornings in '83
and Coronation Street roostering
it's theme song on colour TV. I feel this stanza really allows you to evoke a feeling of nostalgia, very appropriate
Someone would shout, "Come in,
sit down, shut up, it's on",
and we'd come in,
sit down
and yap 'til it was done. I feel that the shorter, more direct diction is powerful here in the way that it gives a sense of recollection/time passing (if that makes sense) Also, while the short diction is effective, painting the image more either in the previous stanza or this one may allow your readers to connect more
I stay away from bacon now,
but one of these Sundays
"I'll fry up a storm"
(as Dad would say),
and maybe even take some to Mom,
in hopes the smell still haunts her. You wrapped this up quite well, feeling wistful just reading it
Really interesting writing my friend, reading this made me feel a little sad but in a refreshing way. Thank you.
Paul
