03-31-2015, 03:38 AM
The voice in this piece needs a lot of work. Are you reading your work out loud?
Despite the fact that it doesn't sound very good, i thought it was going ok. You were doing a lot of showing. A lot of visuals. That's awesome.
Then something happened and the rest of the poem was trite (from my perspective).
You did all of this awesome Show-Not-Tell, but then your emotional/philosophical conclusion didn't match what you were showing me. The conclusions you reached were too abstract. As the reader, you've gotta hold my hand, take me through your thinking.
Hope that helps. Have an awesome day.
Despite the fact that it doesn't sound very good, i thought it was going ok. You were doing a lot of showing. A lot of visuals. That's awesome.
Then something happened and the rest of the poem was trite (from my perspective).
(03-30-2015, 02:53 PM)kwokfreya Wrote: “Do not be afraid.” the old man smirks with the pill,The fragment of fear will shade into countless roads? Come on now. Where is this coming from. What fear. What roads. Why is it fragmented. etc etc etc
“Are we predestined to find the essence of life? ”
The memory goes and the stream of time will flow,
and the fragment of fear will shade into countless roads.
You did all of this awesome Show-Not-Tell, but then your emotional/philosophical conclusion didn't match what you were showing me. The conclusions you reached were too abstract. As the reader, you've gotta hold my hand, take me through your thinking.
Hope that helps. Have an awesome day.