03-24-2015, 11:28 AM
Hmmm are you sacrificing your work for the concrete shape of the poem? For me it's far too redundant (and I've read a few of yours that I did like) ---this one seems to be cutesy, which doesn't really go with the sad topic. I HATE to do rewrites, but I could do this one in just a few lines, and I think it would have more of an impact. See if you can pare it down.
cheers...
mel./bena
cheers...
mel./bena