Marathon-edit 2 (tectak, ellijam, Bena, billy)

[ellajam]

Marathon
Incline they race to love and gratefulness
that rugged roads lean not to emptiness.
Though fervent flesh facilitates our need,
truth lay somewhere on the road we'll bleed.
Some run the race in flesh with heart ad soul,
where spirit and mere chance define the goal.
In paper pants we waddle, then we dance,
then speed to our next date in velvet pants.
We climb tall mountains shooting for the stars
and stroll seductive gardens full of scars.
Behold the ripened grapes upon the vine
that to our lips sweet tastes the virgin wine.
The morning sun shines on a face of grace
while Eros sings his songs to plead his place.
Keeping pace, eternal time unfolding,
our days of flesh are racing to eroding.
Someone is chasing you, you look around,
it's your shadow's desperation to be found.
Escape from self, the thought, where can I hide;
my flesh of stress resists, my mind declined.
Cold rain beats down a long and deep dark path,
a bolt of lightning strikes with satan's wrath.
But God may come, to dispossess that season,
by grace, our love and gratefulness a reason.
g.e.Kaye 3/18/15

Hi, Loretta, life as a race, though not new, can be interesting. This has some syntax problems that really hinder the reading for me.

Incline they race to love and gratefulness
that rugged roads lean not to emptiness.
Though fervent flesh facilitates our need,
truth lay somewhere on the road we'll bleed.

L1:If by inclined you mean uphill, maybe "They race uphill."
L2:why not say don't or won't lean?
L3: While the f sounds are nice, I'm not sure how passion eases need.
L4: How does one bleed a road?
L5: typo and
You can see how confused I am. Much of the poem is clearer but it's a rough start. I think if you try to say it a bit more plainly, not in vocabulary but in sentence structure, it would not be such a puzzle. If the rhymes are making you twist you might try it without it first and see what happens from there.

I think you can do a bit better on some of the the rhymes. Gratefulness/emptiness and hide/declined didn't work too well for me.

You've got plenty to work with here, hope my comments help a bit.