Yesterday, Our Old School Burnt Down

[LorettaYoung]

Yesterday, I thought of her
And the lifeless rock it woke and heard
And every line and every word
was: “I once knew her”.

But we never read in text-books
how well we’d leave behind,
the silent promises we spoke blind   The word blind detracts and is unnecessary
When we were laughing hard and grasping hands I would put a comma after hard, grasping hands
to dance with crowds to decent bands.                 and dance to decent bands
Back then I’d use a phone to talk to God               little g for human gods
and she could flash the firing squad.



Today she’s inches from my feet.                   This is nice
I should run back years and we'd meet
again, but this time I’d be different,               "again" is unnecessary and distracting
so I’d never write about time spent
thinking of just how we knew each other.        these two lines need some clarity

Yesterday, I thought of her.                        or maybe    I thought of her yesterday
And the weeping willow moved with thought.   I don's think a willow with thought could classify as imagery
And the flightless bird it sang the thought.       thought again?, you don't need it
And the fish looked through the water-sky       mystifying?
To say to the sun: “I knew her”.

I think you have the beginnings of some good things here,  watch out about forcing meaningless rhymes in; especially since this mostly does not rhyme; I though the S2 very confusing and needs to be thought out. I know I've made a lot of suggestions, and am not an expert, but I think if you study this subject and read a lot you could do better, it's a good start; that you want to make imagery is a good idea but it must make sense. A willow can't think. I hope I have been helpful and encouraging. Best of luck, on with the new!!!!!!! Loretta