Yesterday, I thought of her
And the lifeless rock it woke and heard
And every line and every word
was: “I once knew her”.

But we never read in text-books
how well we’d leave behind,
the silent promises we spoke blind
When we were laughing hard and grasping hands
to dance with crowds to decent bands.
Back then I’d use a phone to talk to God
and she could flash the firing squad.

Today she’s inches from my feet.
I should run back years and we'd meet
again, but this time I’d be different,
so I’d never write about time spent
thinking of just how we knew each other.

Yesterday, I thought of her.
And the weeping willow moved with thought.
And the flightless bird it sang the thought.
And the fish looked through the water-sky
To say to the sun: “I knew her”.

(03-19-2015, 08:26 PM)groberts01 Wrote:  Yesterday, I thought of her
And the lifeless rock it woke and heard
And every line and every word
was: “I once knew her”.

But we never read in text-books
how well we’d leave behind,
the silent promises we spoke blind   The word blind detracts and is unnecessary
When we were laughing hard and grasping hands I would put a comma after hard, grasping hands
to dance with crowds to decent bands.                 and dance to decent bands
Back then I’d use a phone to talk to God               little g for human gods
and she could flash the firing squad.



Today she’s inches from my feet.                   This is nice
I should run back years and we'd meet
again, but this time I’d be different,               "again" is unnecessary and distracting
so I’d never write about time spent
thinking of just how we knew each other.        these two lines need some clarity

Yesterday, I thought of her.                        or maybe    I thought of her yesterday
And the weeping willow moved with thought.   I don's think a willow with thought could classify as imagery
And the flightless bird it sang the thought.       thought again?, you don't need it
And the fish looked through the water-sky       mystifying?
To say to the sun: “I knew her”.

I think you have the beginnings of some good things here,  watch out about forcing meaningless rhymes in; especially since this mostly does not rhyme; I though the S2 very confusing and needs to be thought out. I know I've made a lot of suggestions, and am not an expert, but I think if you study this subject and read a lot you could do better, it's a good start; that you want to make imagery is a good idea but it must make sense. A willow can't think. I hope I have been helpful and encouraging. Best of luck, on with the new!!!!!!! Loretta

(03-19-2015, 08:26 PM)groberts01 Wrote:  Yesterday, I thought of her
And the lifeless rock it woke and heard
And every line and every word
was: “I once knew her”. this line needs 1 more syllable

But we never read in text-books
how well we’d leave behind,
the silent promises we spoke blind this does not work with the previous line. "spoke blind" needs to be rewritten
When we were laughing hard and grasping hands
to dance with crowds to decent bands. can you choose a word besides decent? it just sounds so lame. or maybe use the space to describe something besides the bands
Back then I’d use a phone to talk to God
and she could flash the firing squad. i think you can come up with a better word than 'could' here.

Today she’s inches from my feet.
I should run back years and we'd meet this line needs to be reworked to match the previous
again, but this time I’d be different,
so I’d never write about time spent
thinking of just how we knew each other.

Yesterday, I thought of her.
And the weeping willow moved with thought.
And the flightless bird it sang the thought.
And the fish looked through the water-sky
To say to the sun: “I knew her”.

I made some notes. I had more to say but didn't want to overwhelm you with critiques.

(03-19-2015, 08:26 PM)groberts01 Wrote:  Yesterday, I thought of her
And the lifeless rock it woke and heard
And every line and every word
was: “I once knew her”.

But we never read in text-books
how well we’d leave behind,
the silent promises we spoke blind
When we were laughing hard and grasping hands
to dance with crowds to decent bands.
Back then I’d use a phone to talk to God
and she could flash the firing squad.

Today she’s inches from my feet.
I should run back years and we'd meet
again, but this time I’d be different,
so I’d never write about time spent
thinking of just how we knew each other.

Yesterday, I thought of her.
And the weeping willow moved with thought. <-----
And the flightless bird it sang the thought. <----
And the fish looked through the water-sky
To say to the sun: “I knew her”.

Most of everything that has been covered already. I think the main thing needed is punctuation in parts stated above, and that will go far with this really thought out and well rounded poems. It's even something I have trouble doing in my poems, and I am trying to work on it to get it correct all the time The subtle undertone of the feelings in this poem are outstanding. My real stand out part is thought and thought at the end, along with the fact the willow thought. maybe a better imagery could be placed there. But great work, and cant wait to read the edited version!

Hi, g, plenty to like here, I found it moving but a little cluttered. Some notes are below.

(03-19-2015, 08:26 PM)groberts01 Wrote:  Yesterday, I thought of her
And the lifeless rock it woke and heard
And every line and every word
was: “I once knew her”.
These first lines just confuse me, I don't think I would miss them if your poem started below, dropping the initial "but".

But we never read in text-books
how well we’d leave behind,
the silent promises we spoke blind
When we were laughing hard and grasping hands
to dance with crowds to decent bands.
Back then I’d use a phone to talk to God
and she could flash the firing squad.
For me the first 5 lines would be a fabulous run-on sentence if you lost the comma (which would make it the promises that were left behind) and went lower case with the When. You might consider changing decent to local, which would fitter the patter.
I enjoy lines 6&7 for the glory and guts.

Today she’s inches from my feet.
I should run back years and we'd meet
again, but this time I’d be different,
so I’d never write about time spent
thinking of just how we knew each other.
I like L1, "should run back years" breaks the meter. I'm not sure you need these 4 lines. I might prefer L1 to replace "Yesterday, I thought of her" below.

Yesterday, I thought of her.
And the weeping willow moved with thought.
And the flightless bird it sang the thought.
And the fish looked through the water-sky
To say to the sun: “I knew her”.
I think you've lost the ease of the words with the repeats. The thought is her, so
"Yesterday, I thought of her.
The weeping willow moved with her;
the flightless bird, it sang to her.
The fish looked through the water-sky
and told the sun: "I knew her".
This not a re-write, just one example of how you might edit to give you an idea what for me would be more effective.

(03-19-2015, 08:26 PM)groberts01 Wrote:  Yesterday, I thought of her
And the lifeless rock it woke and heard
And every line and every word
was: “I once knew her”. -might consider using "once I knew her

But we never read in text-books
how well we’d leave behind,
the silent promises we spoke blind
When we were laughing hard and grasping hands
to dance with crowds to decent bands. - these two lines are kind of irrelevant maybe instead u cud focus on how maybe those promises spoken blind were only seen from your side and this person use to be your whole life maybe and that's why she was your firing squad
Back then I’d use a phone to talk to God
and she could flash the firing squad.

Today she’s inches from my feet. - don't understand this
I should run back years and we'd meet - we could meet
again, but this time I’d be different, - "again, but this time different"
so I’d never write about time spent
thinking of just how we knew each other. -"thinking of how you came and how you went" ? Maybe

Yesterday, I thought of her.
And the weeping willow moved with thought.
And the flightless bird it sang the thought. - "and the flightless bird sang out why"
And the fish looked through the water-sky
To say to the sun: “I knew her”.

I like this poem a few minor changes you might want to consider, sorry I can't change my font on my phone to make it easier to see the corrections but all in all a good poem with a good concept. Not too cliche which is an accomplishment in itself in with this topic. Good job.

This appears to be an elegy for lack of a better term, or maybe a reflection. It is not written very clearly, causing the reader to stumble in any number of places, causing disruption to the poem. Example "Today she’s inches from my feet." How does a person end up being inches from another person's feet? Is she dead, in the ground, is she sunbathing. I think the writer meant this to refer to something specifically, but what that is, does not come across. If she is in a coffin, she is not really inches from a person's feet, more like two feet. If in the ground, she is several feet below. For me it seems the writer is trying to be coy about what is going on. Why, what is the purpose? I personally dislike having to guess at what the writer is saying or describing. Things should arise naturally, not as the result of some type of artifice. What I get from this is, one person knew another at a young age, it seems more in passing. This continued to occur as they grew older, except on occasion there were incidents where they were closer, either emotionally or physically.

Assuming in S1 the rock is her tombstone then:

Yesterday, I thought of her,
her lifeless rock it woke and heard;
(my) every line and every word
was: “I once knew her”.

Instead of a straight out guess (as it currently is), you clue your reader towards what you mean to be saying. I'm not saying this is what you meant to say, I just thought it the most likely. By the end of the poem I no longer cared what the poem said, nor did it elicit enough interest for me to care to try and figure it out, I've only done this much as my due diligence necessary for the critique. Had this been in a magazine I quite sure I would have stopped before I was half way through. In S2 especially, this is done without enough skill to create the necessary energy to pull the story along. Plus there is just to much cuteness. But first the example of lack of energy:

"But we never read in text-books" (no meter no rhythm. Although the next line is in iambic trimeter, it is this first line that sets the tone and it reads like straight prose.)

Now cuteness:

"Back then I’d use a phone to talk to God (back when, what God?)
and she could flash the firing squad." (fine but it makes no sense, seems more of a forced rhyme. BTW was she flashing her tits or her panties?)

what do these lines have to do with one another? Damned if I know. (God damn it Jim, I'm just a country poet, what do I know about this newfangled Watusi poetry. Give me poetry with red blood, not luminous purple or electric green. What do I know about a naked cowboy? Out here a barbed wire fence would be holding his jingle balls and before too long he'd be singing "aud lang syne" in three part harmony!)

Unlike S1L1 the first line here does have a meager hint of rhythm. The second line is in iambic tetrameter.

Although this would need major rewriting, the core idea of "I knew her" could develop into something nice, that could have universality.

Dale

(03-19-2015, 08:26 PM)groberts01 Wrote:  Yesterday, I thought of her
And the lifeless rock it woke and heard
And every line and every word
was: “I once knew her”.

But we never read in text-books
how well we’d leave behind,
the silent promises we spoke blind
When we were laughing hard and grasping hands
to dance with crowds to decent bands.
Back then I’d use a phone to talk to God
and she could flash the firing squad.

Today she’s inches from my feet.
I should run back years and we'd meet
again, but this time I’d be different,
so I’d never write about time spent
thinking of just how we knew each other.

Yesterday, I thought of her.
And the weeping willow moved with thought.
And the flightless bird it sang the thought.
And the fish looked through the water-sky
To say to the sun: “I knew her”.

I tried to give it a bit more flow

Yesterday, I thought of her

The lifeless rock it woke and heard
And every line and every word
was: “I once knew her”.

We never read the in text-books
how well we’d leave behind,
Silent promises were spoken blind
When we were laughing hard and grasping hands
Dancing with crowds to decent bands.
I’d use a phone to talk to God
and she could flash the firing squad.

Today she’s inches from my feet.
I should run back years so then we'd meet
again, but this time I’d be different:
I’d never write about time spent
thinking of just how we knew each other.

Yesterday, I thought of her.
And the weeping willow moved with thought.
And the flightless bird it sang the thought.
And the fish looked through the water-sky
To say to the sun: “I knew her”.

(05-05-2015, 07:03 AM)Cyferz Wrote:  

(03-19-2015, 08:26 PM)groberts01 Wrote:  Yesterday, I thought of her
And the lifeless rock it woke and heard
And every line and every word
was: “I once knew her”.

But we never read in text-books
how well we’d leave behind,
the silent promises we spoke blind
When we were laughing hard and grasping hands
to dance with crowds to decent bands.
Back then I’d use a phone to talk to God
and she could flash the firing squad.

Today she’s inches from my feet.
I should run back years and we'd meet
again, but this time I’d be different,
so I’d never write about time spent
thinking of just how we knew each other.

Yesterday, I thought of her.
And the weeping willow moved with thought.
And the flightless bird it sang the thought.
And the fish looked through the water-sky
To say to the sun: “I knew her”.

I tried to give it a bit more flow

Yesterday, I thought of her

The lifeless rock it woke and heard
And every line and every word
was: “I once knew her”.

We never read the in text-books
how well we’d leave behind,
Silent promises were spoken blind
When we were laughing hard and grasping hands
Dancing with crowds to decent bands.
I’d use a phone to talk to God
and she could flash the firing squad.

Today she’s inches from my feet.
I should run back years so then we'd meet
again, but this time I’d be different:
I’d never write about time spent
thinking of just how we knew each other.

Yesterday, I thought of her.
And the weeping willow moved with thought.
And the flightless bird it sang the thought.
And the fish looked through the water-sky
To say to the sun: “I knew her”.

You are better than this. Copying and pasting the original piece with a few changes pre-empted by a one line explanation as to the why, does not make for valid crit. Better that you explain WHY the suggestions than why your reason for making them.
Mod

I really love how you said "decent bands" because that's how my school friends and I talk about the music artists we like. Like when they actually play music at school dances that doesn't suck.
I think you should mention at least briefly more about the burnt school you mentioned in the title and the effect of it because I was left wanting more info about that and how it connected to the girl.
I loved this poem because it showed so perfectly what once knowing someone and then losing them feels like.
Saying "she could flash the firing squad" really shows how brave and amazing the girl was.
I don't really understand why the bird in the last stanza is flightless.
I liked the imagery of the fish looking through the sky and the water.

Powerful. Really powerful. I'm there with you when I read this. I feel it in my heart.

Yesterday, I thought of her.
And the weeping willow moved with thought.
And the flightless bird it sang the thought.
And the fish looked through the water-sky
To say to the sun: “I knew her”.

What I love about this is.. she is that song.. she is the trees.. she is the water and the sky. Energy is never lost .. just transformed.
This part of the poem captures that idea really well.

It seems like I am the minority, but I thought stanza 2 was my favorite. It's that one I think that makes this piece really come off genuine rather than forced, in my opinion.
Stanza 3 really worries me, when I take a close look at it.

"Today she’s inches from my feet.
I should run back years and we'd meet if you intend on keeping this stanza without rewriting then,
again, but this time I’d be different, don't separate the phrase "we'd meet again," with a line break.
so I’d never write about time spent
thinking of just how we knew each other."

The whole stanza needs to be rethought it seems, the punctuation does not disguise the poor quality of the sentence and it really detracts from your work. Really confusing and only held together by how transparent your message is that I can assume I know what you're talking about.

I feel like you would really benefit from putting more deliberation into the last stanza. The repetition of "thought" in two lines gives me the impression that you just decided to call it good after you had all the lines down. I won't comment on the quality of the imagery, I think it could be held together and edited with a lower priority than what seem like glaring mistakes to me.

You have a lot of good ideas, but just having an amalgamation of good ideas and a message that you are too eager to exploit does not make a poem finished.