Joelle & Phone

[tectak]

The phone gazes skyward at Joelle,
its lens blinks,
its body radiates with the niceties of perfection.
It pulls Joelle’s hand over its forefront,
caressing itself in the third person,
unattached to the movement.  Way too itty. You lose control over the piece when "it" takes over. Indefinite articles are...er...indefinite. Whatever you, the author in this  case, want to say is being erroded by the anthropomorphic character, which though centre-stage in this "stanza" , gets no more identity than  "it". You could use all of the descriptive terms in one well constructed sentence e.g.
"The phone gazes upwards to Joelle
with blinking lens, radiating pride
in the niceties of its own perfection." Your poem.


Joelle clicks the phone case back and forth,
chafing the edges of its smooth and titanium frame. titanium is a noun which by linking it adjectively to the "frame" dispenses with need for the "and"
The hard plastic cuts into the phone’s body, Now you go the other way with the definite article. THE hard plastic? What hard plastic? You forgot to say
like gravel into a shoe’s tread. Not an easy image. Out of scale methinks. The butterfly fell to the ground like a brick.

As Joelle fiddles with the phone case,
the device takes note of a strand of her hair,
and clasps it in the sub-millimeter wide crevice
that sits between the the phone and its case. case case phone phone

Joelle’s complexion slowly cakes over,
absentmindedly,   You say that her complexion cakes over ,absentmindedly. You do  not mean to say this. Punctuate to clarity. This is the serious forum. Read your work out loud and correct these silly errors. There are many. 'Nuff said.
as the phone both wiggles and squirms, slithers,
snakily. The phone triumphantly frees itself,
and pulls Joelle’s hair right out of its follicle,
like the phone had had its charger removed oh-so-many times.
It free falls, disoriented and confused,
until moments later it lands face first. Hopelessly convoluted. "oh-so-many" is cringeworthy.

Its body
breaks panoramically
and
shatters slowly
and
cleaves unrestricted. Wordy and windy and andy and not really making sense

It scatters like a book’s pages once swarmed by fire,
relinquishing the relished refinements it is composed of.
Joelle picks the phone back up, and stares at its burned face
like one only would at a phone. Fitting end

Hi fromc,
Please do  take this personally, or even as a swipe at your work here as a singularity... but I just  cannot get the sense that I am reading poetry. The lack of any guidance devices  -meter, punctuation, rhyme-  leaves me wanting to take the thing by the scruff of its metaphorical neck and either shake it or strangle it. This is not a good feeling but I am left wondering what it is that you believe you were doing...that is to say, I am interested more in the execution than in the crime
You may well have laid down the bare bones of a vignette. It says very little but does not pretend to make any particular point and so is complete unto itself...so much so that it barely requires the reader. Girl meets phone, girl falls in love with phone, girl loses phone. Is that it or have I read too much in to it?
Best, tectak