03-09-2015, 04:36 PM
The phone gazes skyward at Joelle, you've captured the subject material beautifully, and it's interesting as well - from the phone's perspective as opposed to a person...and you've established a name as well. That's quite a bit accomplished in the first line.
its lens blinks, I find the repetition of the "s" to create an odd sound there; my tongue stumbles over it. Since you've said "gaze" in the first paragraph and "body" following you could potentially through with the personification and using something more akin to the eyes or face (actually, that might detatch from the object feel you've been building up) - or you could also cross off the "its" - it's something you've used quite a bit and I think just a couple here and there are all you really need to show you're not attributing a gender to the phone.
its body radiates with the niceties of perfection. like your previous reviewer has said, I find the placement of the commas a little odd; the line break does set a distinction between the lines so you don't need to have a form of punctuation at the end of every line. Also, I find "with the nicities of perfection" a little wordy when compared to the previous line - though that's something I've found with a few other lines as well, so maybe that was a stylistic choice. I also find "nicities of perfection" quite idealistic which doesn't seem appropriate when the subject is an "it".
It pulls Joelle’s hand over its forefront,
caressing itself in the third person, in the third person is already implied by the repitition of "its"
unattached to the movement. I really like the use of unattached here, though going back to the extra words, I think you can end the stanza at unattached and you wouldn't use any meaning. It depends on what sort of style you're going for though - you seem to present a bit of a mix: the longer and more descriptive bits that follow from the third line of this stanza, and the shorter more concise ones that come up again in the second last stanza. Not that it's not an interesting style to read; I'm not sure how it fits with what the words themselves portray.
Joelle clicks the phone case back and forth,
chafing the edges of its smooth and titanium frame. I think titanium is an odd choice of metal here. For me, it suggests something big and strong, and yet it's being damaged by a small repetitive motion. I also agree with bena in that I'm not sure what that adds to the poem. Ask yourself what you visualise when you read that line - and then without it. I think chafing is quite a clever term - sort of gives a dry lips impression - when you haven't had much water but have been talking for a while.
The hard plastic cuts into the phone’s body, my first thought on this line: poor phone. You've certainly defined the phone as a character nicely.
like gravel into a shoe’s tread. I really like the line as a standalone, but the simile came as unexpected since most of your poem is about describing actions - actions of the phone, and actions of Joelle. While the line does describe an action, it being a separate and distinct line does make it stand out a little. You could mix the metaphor into the line - you've done that in a few other places, eg. "the hard plastic, like gravel into a shoe's tread, cuts in..." - or even change the words around a little to make that fit better.
As Joelle fiddles with the phone case, I wonder if you need to repeat Joelle's name so often; you barely use a pronoun at all - which might add an extra layer in the case of a distinctly androgenous name, but in the case of Joelle I simply assume she's female from when you introduced her and read accordingly. Same question with the repeat of the phone - we know there are only two characters: the phone and Joelle, and both have distinct pronouns.
the device takes note of a strand of her hair, note of - I don't feel those two words add anything to the line; though the meaning does change a little with the phone physically taking as opposed to just taking note, I think in the context you'e built up it would also be more effective.
and clasps it in the sub-millimeter wide crevice Is sub-millimeter necessary? You haven't used many technical terms and this one is quite wordy as well. Do we need to know it to that extent or would you be able to use "small" or a synonym and get the same effect?
that sits between the the phone and its case. you have a repeat of "the" I assume is a typo? Beyond that, you could potentially remove the "the" and "its" entirely, ie. "that sits between phone and case." At this point, we already have genders and identity established so I think you could do without that extra hammer home.
Joelle’s complexion slowly cakes over, I'm honestly not sure what you mean by this line. Complexion takes over? Like a distraction, a change of attention?
absentmindedly, works nicely on a line of its own. Don't think you need the comma though.
as the phone both wiggles and squirms, slithers,
snakily. The phone triumphantly frees itself, "snakily feels like a bit of an afterthought here. Does it really add to the previous line? The use of "triumphantly" amuses me - it's almost like a toddler trying to wiggle out of someone's lap - and they do the whole hair-pulling thing too.
and pulls Joelle’s hair right out of its follicle, another technical term. Ask yourself if your target audience will recognise the word - and what images will come from it. Follicle is quite specific - and it is a tad different to a phone having its charger removed.
like the phone had had its charger removed oh-so-many times.
It free falls, disoriented and confused, when did Joelle let go of the phone? That's something that seems to have gotten lost in the words. Again, it's a balance between action and reflection - which is the main focus and which is just to add a little flavour to the piece?
until moments later it lands face first. "moments later" drags the time-frame out a bit. For the phone, it might have that moment of susbension - but I think you accompish that in the previous line anyhow. Thanks to gravity, a fall will only drag for so long - and since you switch up your structure to represent the break, here's another place where you could toy with the structure to reflect the fall.
Its body
breaks panoramically
and
shatters slowly
and
cleaves unrestricted. interesting structure of this stanza. I would have structured it as "breaks/paranomically, and/shatters/slowly, and..." but your way works as well. Different ways of illustrating the same thing. Though I wonder about the repeating ands as lines of their own - again, they drag out the time - but from Joelle's perspective which is how it ends, there's not much time or attention passed at all.
It scatters like a book’s pages once swarmed by fire, another gorgeous image - though fire seems suddenly dramatic in a natural sense - very different to breaks/shatters/cleaves you had in the previous stanza. For me, that natural image subtracts a little from the technology aspect you've created.
relinquishing the relished refinements it is composed of. nice alliteration. I think "it is composed of" is unnecessary though; it's already been illustrated so you could potentially end the line without it.
Joelle picks the phone back up, and stares at its burned face considering the phone fell and didn't short-circuit, I think "broken" or something similar works better than burnt - even in relation to the fire simile above.
like one only would at a phone. I really like how you've chosen to end this. One line that sums up the Joelle's relation to the phone - despite the struggle to be something more.
In general, I think you have a really great idea here - the quick peak at technology - but the lines could be condensed and the punctuation adjusted to make more readable. Also, think about what you're trying to portray - for me, it's about the action (of the phone and of Joelle), which makes some of your imagery add-ons you could do without so try to be a little sparse with your words - imagine you have a finite bank of words in a famine (not that I imagine we'll be truly short of words in that sense) and you can only take what you really need. Also, try varying your position and style of punctuation - use ellipses to extend pauses, dashes to make them sudden etc.
Good luck!
its lens blinks, I find the repetition of the "s" to create an odd sound there; my tongue stumbles over it. Since you've said "gaze" in the first paragraph and "body" following you could potentially through with the personification and using something more akin to the eyes or face (actually, that might detatch from the object feel you've been building up) - or you could also cross off the "its" - it's something you've used quite a bit and I think just a couple here and there are all you really need to show you're not attributing a gender to the phone.
its body radiates with the niceties of perfection. like your previous reviewer has said, I find the placement of the commas a little odd; the line break does set a distinction between the lines so you don't need to have a form of punctuation at the end of every line. Also, I find "with the nicities of perfection" a little wordy when compared to the previous line - though that's something I've found with a few other lines as well, so maybe that was a stylistic choice. I also find "nicities of perfection" quite idealistic which doesn't seem appropriate when the subject is an "it".
It pulls Joelle’s hand over its forefront,
caressing itself in the third person, in the third person is already implied by the repitition of "its"
unattached to the movement. I really like the use of unattached here, though going back to the extra words, I think you can end the stanza at unattached and you wouldn't use any meaning. It depends on what sort of style you're going for though - you seem to present a bit of a mix: the longer and more descriptive bits that follow from the third line of this stanza, and the shorter more concise ones that come up again in the second last stanza. Not that it's not an interesting style to read; I'm not sure how it fits with what the words themselves portray.
Joelle clicks the phone case back and forth,
chafing the edges of its smooth and titanium frame. I think titanium is an odd choice of metal here. For me, it suggests something big and strong, and yet it's being damaged by a small repetitive motion. I also agree with bena in that I'm not sure what that adds to the poem. Ask yourself what you visualise when you read that line - and then without it. I think chafing is quite a clever term - sort of gives a dry lips impression - when you haven't had much water but have been talking for a while.
The hard plastic cuts into the phone’s body, my first thought on this line: poor phone. You've certainly defined the phone as a character nicely.
like gravel into a shoe’s tread. I really like the line as a standalone, but the simile came as unexpected since most of your poem is about describing actions - actions of the phone, and actions of Joelle. While the line does describe an action, it being a separate and distinct line does make it stand out a little. You could mix the metaphor into the line - you've done that in a few other places, eg. "the hard plastic, like gravel into a shoe's tread, cuts in..." - or even change the words around a little to make that fit better.
As Joelle fiddles with the phone case, I wonder if you need to repeat Joelle's name so often; you barely use a pronoun at all - which might add an extra layer in the case of a distinctly androgenous name, but in the case of Joelle I simply assume she's female from when you introduced her and read accordingly. Same question with the repeat of the phone - we know there are only two characters: the phone and Joelle, and both have distinct pronouns.
the device takes note of a strand of her hair, note of - I don't feel those two words add anything to the line; though the meaning does change a little with the phone physically taking as opposed to just taking note, I think in the context you'e built up it would also be more effective.
and clasps it in the sub-millimeter wide crevice Is sub-millimeter necessary? You haven't used many technical terms and this one is quite wordy as well. Do we need to know it to that extent or would you be able to use "small" or a synonym and get the same effect?
that sits between the the phone and its case. you have a repeat of "the" I assume is a typo? Beyond that, you could potentially remove the "the" and "its" entirely, ie. "that sits between phone and case." At this point, we already have genders and identity established so I think you could do without that extra hammer home.
Joelle’s complexion slowly cakes over, I'm honestly not sure what you mean by this line. Complexion takes over? Like a distraction, a change of attention?
absentmindedly, works nicely on a line of its own. Don't think you need the comma though.
as the phone both wiggles and squirms, slithers,
snakily. The phone triumphantly frees itself, "snakily feels like a bit of an afterthought here. Does it really add to the previous line? The use of "triumphantly" amuses me - it's almost like a toddler trying to wiggle out of someone's lap - and they do the whole hair-pulling thing too.
and pulls Joelle’s hair right out of its follicle, another technical term. Ask yourself if your target audience will recognise the word - and what images will come from it. Follicle is quite specific - and it is a tad different to a phone having its charger removed.
like the phone had had its charger removed oh-so-many times.
It free falls, disoriented and confused, when did Joelle let go of the phone? That's something that seems to have gotten lost in the words. Again, it's a balance between action and reflection - which is the main focus and which is just to add a little flavour to the piece?
until moments later it lands face first. "moments later" drags the time-frame out a bit. For the phone, it might have that moment of susbension - but I think you accompish that in the previous line anyhow. Thanks to gravity, a fall will only drag for so long - and since you switch up your structure to represent the break, here's another place where you could toy with the structure to reflect the fall.
Its body
breaks panoramically
and
shatters slowly
and
cleaves unrestricted. interesting structure of this stanza. I would have structured it as "breaks/paranomically, and/shatters/slowly, and..." but your way works as well. Different ways of illustrating the same thing. Though I wonder about the repeating ands as lines of their own - again, they drag out the time - but from Joelle's perspective which is how it ends, there's not much time or attention passed at all.
It scatters like a book’s pages once swarmed by fire, another gorgeous image - though fire seems suddenly dramatic in a natural sense - very different to breaks/shatters/cleaves you had in the previous stanza. For me, that natural image subtracts a little from the technology aspect you've created.
relinquishing the relished refinements it is composed of. nice alliteration. I think "it is composed of" is unnecessary though; it's already been illustrated so you could potentially end the line without it.
Joelle picks the phone back up, and stares at its burned face considering the phone fell and didn't short-circuit, I think "broken" or something similar works better than burnt - even in relation to the fire simile above.
like one only would at a phone. I really like how you've chosen to end this. One line that sums up the Joelle's relation to the phone - despite the struggle to be something more.
In general, I think you have a really great idea here - the quick peak at technology - but the lines could be condensed and the punctuation adjusted to make more readable. Also, think about what you're trying to portray - for me, it's about the action (of the phone and of Joelle), which makes some of your imagery add-ons you could do without so try to be a little sparse with your words - imagine you have a finite bank of words in a famine (not that I imagine we'll be truly short of words in that sense) and you can only take what you really need. Also, try varying your position and style of punctuation - use ellipses to extend pauses, dashes to make them sudden etc.
Good luck!
When it finally snows here, I'll catch a snowflake and put it in the fridge.