03-09-2015, 03:05 PM
There's quite a bit that I adore about this piece, but in general the punctuation errors and way too much repetition in such a short work are the downfall. Also the title is both redundant given the body of the work, and to me...boring. Usually I wouldn't read something with a title that didn't intrigue me, but I don't think I've critiqued something of yours yet so I gave it a go. Really glad I did.
The phone gazes skyward at Joelle,
its lens blinks,
its body radiates with the niceties of perfection.
It pulls Joelle’s hand over its forefront,
caressing itself in the third person,
unattached to the movement.
Joelle clicks the phone case back and forth,
chafing the edges of its smooth and titanium frame. perhaps, but I'm not sure what titanium brings to this poem. I would just go with smooth, personally>
The hard plastic cuts into the phone’s body,
like gravel into a shoe’s tread.
She clicks the case repetitively,
chafing the edges of its smooth frame
like gravel into a shoe's tread. Sole might also work as a double meaning metaphor, since we're doing the whole body/caressing/frame stuff--but yeah, I'm weird one of multiple meanings.>
As Joelle fiddles with the phone case,
the
and clasps it in the sub-millimeter wide crevice
that sits between the phone and its case.
Joelle’s complexion slowly cakes over,
absentmindedly,
as the phone both wiggles and squirms, slithers,
snakily. The phone triumphantly frees itself,
and pulls Joelle’s hair right out of its follicle,
like the phone had had its charger removed oh-so-many times.
It free falls, disoriented and confused,
until moments later it lands face first.
Its body
breaks panoramically
and
shatters slowly
and
cleaves unrestricted.
It scatters like a book’s pages once swarmed by fire,
relinquishing the relished refinements it is composed of.
Joelle picks the phone back up, and stares at its burned face
like one only would at a phone.>
Like I said, despite what it looks like, there is much to like in this. It just needs editing and perfecting and I won't be the only person to offer suggestions. And they are just that...so bin whatever you disagree with.
Welcome!
mel/bena
The phone gazes skyward at Joelle,
its lens blinks,
its body radiates with the niceties of perfection.
It pulls Joelle’s
caressing itself in the third person,
unattached to the movement.
Joelle
chafing the edges of its smooth and titanium frame.
The hard plastic
like gravel into a shoe’s tread.
She clicks the case repetitively,
chafing the edges of its smooth frame
like gravel into a shoe's tread. Sole might also work as a double meaning metaphor, since we're doing the whole body/caressing/frame stuff--but yeah, I'm weird one of multiple meanings.>
As Joelle fiddles with the phone case,
the
and clasps it in the sub-millimeter wide crevice
that sits between the phone
Joelle’s
absentmindedly,
as the phone both wiggles and squirms, slithers,
snakily.
and pulls Joelle’s hair right out of its follicle,
like the phone had had its charger removed oh-so-many times.
It free falls, disoriented and confused,
until moments later it lands face first.
Its body
breaks panoramically
and
shatters slowly
and
cleaves unrestricted.
It scatters like a book’s pages once swarmed by fire,
relinquishing the relished refinements it is composed of.
Joelle picks the phone back up, and stares at its burned face
like one only would at a phone.
Like I said, despite what it looks like, there is much to like in this. It just needs editing and perfecting and I won't be the only person to offer suggestions. And they are just that...so bin whatever you disagree with.
Welcome!
mel/bena