Of the Storm, 1987. Edit 1.006 fromc,leah,ambrosial.

[Magpie]

It keeps on changing every time I read it so hopefully some of this will make sense.

I heard the breath of giants sleeping, a distant dirge that filled the air. -- I like the dramatic opening, it sets it up well
The light lay long upon  the heathland, carmine garbs in  folded layers. -- I think I preferred 'heather' to 'heathland' as you originally had it
A blast, a squall, of warning weather, smoked along horizon's line;-- It could be said that 'a blast' and 'a squall' were the same thing so one of these would seem redundant
tearing clouds rose red and spread, grey linen splashed with altar wine.-- I'm not sure about the 'tearing' here perhaps because it could be seen as in teardrops which would clash with God's tears a couple of lines down, also I don't think tearing sounds violent enough for what is happening, I don't think 'ripping' sounds a lot more violent but the sonics flow better with 'rose red'. I do like the internal rhyme here and I also like the fact that you've dropped 'like' from the original turning a simile into a metaphor, it works better.
Erupting fire, the sky split open, rakish rays fanned wide around.
Up came the wind in wails of anger, down hurled  God's tears until the sound
became the very air that shivered, shook then rang a deathly knell.-- I'm undecided as to whether 'deathly knell' is a cliche but it would seem borderline.
Great circles spiralled in the heavens, darker than the eye of Hell,-- 'circles' and 'spiralled' seem to be at odds with each other here, is one of them redundant
and giants woke and rose from slumber, thunderously they called my names;-- the beginning of this line is very awkward with the two 'and' also 'woke' and 'rose from slumber' are basically the same thing
for I am Storm and I am Tumult, I am the fury...Hurricane.-- I don't know enough about the correct use of ellipsis but I was led to believe that they were almost cliche but I'm probably wrong about that.
tectak
1987
(from Metaphysics...Storm 1987.Uncompleted)

I like the drama that you have created here and at times I really get a sense of the power and fury that is taking place.
Thanks for the read,

Mark