County Fair

[71degrees]

Edit  (Thanks for all replies. Still in progress)


I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for them against
a bright August moon, rustles of dark
turning maple leaves and pitched voices,
laughters tussling with pipe organ notes
from the county fair across the grassy field:
the Ferris wheel bulbs burning deep blue
deeper red, yellow, orange smooth,
pony tail hair tumbling, smooth skin,
smoother hands, fumbling footsteps
tip toeing, all their lovely hair bathing
in midnight orange, cotton candy blue,
ice red and black berry snow cones
     
I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for they are all tongue,
grape licorice, leaning against the boys,
whispering into their ears like young seashells,
"Let’s look at stars until we both go blind"

Hi, 71, Your edit is a beautiful shuffle, the breaks are much more effective. The changes to the colors at the end of S1 are a great improvement and I find I'm satisfied with the end current ending.

I don't find the repetition of smooth as successful as when it changed each time and the second hair stopped me, maybe you could cut or change the one after pony tail, you don't really need it there.  

"whispering into their ears like young seashells," While it is a beautiful line in a beautiful strophe, it is uncleared whether the whisperers or ears are like seashells, I assume the ears but it's not quite right. That may be fine with you.

I've been enjoying this, thanks for posting it.

Yes. I agree about the "hair"...yes, I also agree about "ears".  Done. Made a change on 2nd "smooth"...still thinking.