Edit #1
I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for them against
a bright August moon, rustles of dark
turning maple leaves and pitched voices,
laughters tussling with pipe organ notes
from the county fair across the grassy field:
the Ferris wheel bulbs burning deep blue
deeper red, yellow, orange smooth,
pony tail hair tumbling, smooth skin,
smoother hands, fumbling footsteps
tip toeing, all their lovely hair bathing
in midnight orange, cotton candy blue,
ice red and black berry snow cones
I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for they are all tongue,
grape licorice, leaning against the boys,
whispering into their ears like young seashells,
"Let’s look at the stars until we both go blind"
Original
I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for them for they are
beneath a bright August moon, rustles of dark
turning maple leaves and pitched voices,
laughter tussling with pipe organ notes
from the county fair, across the grassy field
the Ferris wheel bulbs burn deep blue
deeper red, yellow, orange smooth, pony tail
hair tumbling, smoother skin, smoothest hands
fumbling footsteps tip toeing toward shadows,
all their lovely hair bathing in midnight orange
cotton candy blue, red, and yellow snow cones
I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for them for they are
all tongue and grape licorice, leaning
against the boys with tight thighs, whispering
into the ears like young seashells,
"let’s look at the stars until we both go blind"
I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for them for they are
in all their female splendor, bodies framed
in unspoken clarity; I fear if one shakes loose
tonight, she will surely darken me.
I like the imagery, very nice scenes, and the overall idea. I think the poem would be smoother if you dropped the first two lines of stanzas 2 and 3 and replaced them with something like "Girls of summer are," or "Summer girls are," as you have already written the conditional phrase in the first part, so it is enough to just reference it with shorter lines.
The first stanza could benefit from being at least two distinct sentences with periods at the end (the lack of punctuation does not help your poem and actually hinders it as one questions why there was no sentence ending, especially with a new sentence beginning with each stanza), as I can see no rationale in not using them, if there is please let me know. Also need some rephrasing to cut down on the ever run-on in the second half of stanza 1 as it gets too cumbersome and begins to disrupt the reading of the sentence.
I think maybe instead of "looks in on me" in S3, maybe should read: "I fear if I encounter one tonight..." The reason is it just seems bizarre that a "girl of summer" as you describe them, would look in on the speaker in his house or in his bed. If you were trying to imply that the girls are stars that does not come across.
Dale
(02-07-2015, 06:56 AM)Erthona Wrote: [ -> ]I like the imagery, very nice scenes, and the overall idea. I think the poem would be smoother if you dropped the first two lines of stanzas 2 and 3 and replaced them with something like "Girls of summer are," or "Summer girls are," as you have already written the conditional phrase in the first part, so it is enough to just reference it with shorter lines.
The first stanza could benefit from being at least two distinct sentences with periods at the end (the lack of punctuation does not help your poem and actually hinders it as one questions why there was no sentence ending, especially with a new sentence beginning with each stanza), as I can see no rationale in not using them, if there is please let me know. Also need some rephrasing to cut down on the ever run-on in the second half of stanza 1 as it gets too cumbersome and begins to disrupt the reading of the sentence.
I think maybe instead of "looks in on me" in S3, maybe should read: "I fear if I encounter one tonight..." The reason is it just seems bizarre that a "girl of summer" as you describe them, would look in on the speaker in his house or in his bed. If you were trying to imply that the girls are stars that does not come across.
Dale
Thank you, Dale. Always appreciate your comments. Have made some minor adjustments to last stanza. One of the "girls" isn't really looking in on narrator in the physical sense...not home or bed anyway....more into the soul. I didn't like repetition of "me" twice in two lines. So have made a minor adjustment. Thanks for getting me to think about it.
Hi 71 - I really like the first two stanzas - your imagery is strong, and it takes me into the scene beautifully; although my memories are different, it's the same county fair. I feel that your last stanza lets them down - in fact, is it needed? It feels like a postscript to me.
Hey 71. I really love this. I have only one issue. The second part of the refrain too often trips me up when I read it aloud. At first I thought the problem was the 2 uses of the word "for" --- "for them for" doesn't roll off the tongue easily for me, and even when it does it sounds overly percussive for the mood. I thought that a comma after each instance of "write a poem for them" might be a remedy. But looking at it further I wonder if you need "for they are" at all. It feels like an implied colon, like you are about to list your reasons. To my ear, each stanza reads stronger without it. Of course that's just my ear, I could be tone deaf. Just wanted to give you something to think about.
Wonderful read. Thanks for sharing,
Paul
"
Quote:I fear if one shakes loose tonight, she will surely darken me."
I think that is a really good adjustment.
Dale
(02-07-2015, 12:04 PM)just mercedes Wrote: [ -> ]Hi 71 - I really like the first two stanzas - your imagery is strong, and it takes me into the scene beautifully; although my memories are different, it's the same county fair. I feel that your last stanza lets them down - in fact, is it needed? It feels like a postscript to me.
"…in fact, is it needed?" Maybe not
Although, the last image, I like. Thinking.
(02-07-2015, 12:31 PM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: [ -> ]Hey 71. I really love this. I have only one issue. The second part of the refrain too often trips me up when I read it aloud. At first I thought the problem was the 2 uses of the word "for" --- "for them for" doesn't roll off the tongue easily for me, and even when it does it sounds overly percussive for the mood. I thought that a comma after each instance of "write a poem for them" might be a remedy. But looking at it further I wonder if you need "for they are" at all. It feels like an implied colon, like you are about to list your reasons. To my ear, each stanza reads stronger without it. Of course that's just my ear, I could be tone deaf. Just wanted to give you something to think about.
Wonderful read. Thanks for sharing,
Paul
Thank you for responding, Paul. (edit: "…for they are…") Thinking about this.
What an evocative image you paint for the reader, it drums up plenty of memories of at least how I felt as a jejune teenager and of the most precious time of year: summer! My only criticism would be the use of "female" in the last stanza. I don't think it adds anything to the poem particularly when you are using a refrain which identifies who you're speaking of. Obviously it's your call about what you leave in, but to me "their female splendor" (as opposed to simply "their splendor") comes off as somewhat condescending or objectifying. Other than that, I think you have a very fine poem here!
(02-13-2015, 05:53 PM)ABennett Wrote: [ -> ]What an evocative image you paint for the reader, it drums up plenty of memories of at least how I felt as a jejune teenager and of the most precious time of year: summer! My only criticism would be the use of "female" in the last stanza. I don't think it adds anything to the poem particularly when you are using a refrain which identifies who you're speaking of. Obviously it's your call about what you leave in, but to me "their female splendor" (as opposed to simply "their splendor") comes off as somewhat condescending or objectifying. Other than that, I think you have a very fine poem here!
I think the "female" criticism is a fair assessment. Thanks for this.
Ok, this one looks pretty good.
(02-06-2015, 12:49 PM)71degrees Wrote: [ -> ]I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for them for they are -- Too much of the word "for," and "for they are" seems like it could be stated more succinctly.
beneath a bright August moon, rustles of dark -- Do you need the word "bright?" What is a rustle of dark? I'm having difficulty going directly into "rustles of dark" but that may just be me.
turning maple leaves and pitched voices,
laughter tussling with pipe organ notes
from the county fair, across the grassy field -- It looks like your switching ideas mid line which may cause problems.
the Ferris wheel bulbs burn deep blue -- I like this line and I might even start the poem with it.
deeper red, yellow, orange smooth, pony tail -- You have a list of colors and then you switch to body parts. Maybe you had this in mind, or maybe you could find a way to distinguish the two lists.
hair tumbling, smoother skin, smoothest hands
fumbling footsteps tip toeing toward shadows,
all their lovely hair bathing in midnight orange
cotton candy blue, red, and yellow snow cones -- The colors are the fair (or at least an apt metonym, or something), that's a cool idea.
I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for them for they are -- I wouldn't use a line that doesn't convey much new info as a refrain. I'm definitely not the best refrain guy though. I suppose you have some room leaving the line open with this one.
all tongue and grape licorice, leaning
against the boys with tight thighs, whispering
into the ears like young seashells,
"let’s look at the stars until we both go blind" -- When this flows coherently it's pretty good.
I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for them for they are
in all their female splendor, bodies framed
in unspoken clarity; I fear if one shakes loose
tonight, she will surely darken me.
Left some comments.
Edit (Thanks for all replies. Still in progress)
I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for them against
a bright August moon, rustles of dark
turning maple leaves and pitched voices,
laughters tussling with pipe organ notes
from the county fair across the grassy field:
the Ferris wheel bulbs burning deep blue
deeper red, yellow, orange smooth,
pony tail tumbling, naive skin,
smoother hands, fumbling footsteps
tip toeing, all their lovely hair bathing
in midnight orange, cotton candy blue,
ice red and black berry snow cones
I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for they are all tongue,
grape licorice, leaning against the boys,
whispering into their young, seashell ears,
"Let’s look at stars until we both go blind"
As a quick note the "they are all tongue" bit seemed pretty good
(02-19-2015, 12:54 PM)71degrees Wrote: [ -> ]Edit (Thanks for all replies. Still in progress)
I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for them against
a bright August moon, rustles of dark
turning maple leaves and pitched voices,
laughters tussling with pipe organ notes
from the county fair across the grassy field:
the Ferris wheel bulbs burning deep blue
deeper red, yellow, orange smooth,
pony tail hair tumbling, smooth skin,
smoother hands, fumbling footsteps
tip toeing, all their lovely hair bathing
in midnight orange, cotton candy blue,
ice red and black berry snow cones
I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for they are all tongue,
grape licorice, leaning against the boys,
whispering into their ears like young seashells,
"Let’s look at stars until we both go blind"
Hi, 71,
Your edit is a beautiful shuffle, the breaks are much more effective. The changes to the colors at the end of S1 are a great improvement and I find I'm satisfied with the end current ending.
I don't find the repetition of smooth as successful as when it changed each time and the second hair stopped me, maybe you could cut or change the one after pony tail, you don't really need it there.
"whispering into their ears like young seashells," While it is a beautiful line in a beautiful strophe, it is uncleared whether the whisperers or ears are like seashells, I assume the ears but it's not quite right. That may be fine with you.
I've been enjoying this, thanks for posting it.
(02-19-2015, 09:00 PM)ellajam Wrote: [ -> ] (02-19-2015, 12:54 PM)71degrees Wrote: [ -> ]Edit (Thanks for all replies. Still in progress)
I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for them against
a bright August moon, rustles of dark
turning maple leaves and pitched voices,
laughters tussling with pipe organ notes
from the county fair across the grassy field:
the Ferris wheel bulbs burning deep blue
deeper red, yellow, orange smooth,
pony tail hair tumbling, smooth skin,
smoother hands, fumbling footsteps
tip toeing, all their lovely hair bathing
in midnight orange, cotton candy blue,
ice red and black berry snow cones
I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for they are all tongue,
grape licorice, leaning against the boys,
whispering into their ears like young seashells,
"Let’s look at stars until we both go blind"
Hi, 71, Your edit is a beautiful shuffle, the breaks are much more effective. The changes to the colors at the end of S1 are a great improvement and I find I'm satisfied with the end current ending.
I don't find the repetition of smooth as successful as when it changed each time and the second hair stopped me, maybe you could cut or change the one after pony tail, you don't really need it there.
"whispering into their ears like young seashells," While it is a beautiful line in a beautiful strophe, it is uncleared whether the whisperers or ears are like seashells, I assume the ears but it's not quite right. That may be fine with you.
I've been enjoying this, thanks for posting it.
Yes. I agree about the "hair"...yes, I also agree about "ears". Done. Made a change on 2nd "smooth"...still thinking.
I really like this, I can't say much for structure, it seemed really flow of consciousness style in the first verse/stanza, but seemed to kind of turn from a sentence into a list of descriptors of various things (the girls, their skin and hair, the lights on the wheel- midnight orange seems odd, but i know what color you mean- and then into listing confections avaliable at a county fair... I really like the part about the girls whispering into the boys ears, it shows how you feel about relationships with great clarity, and the end is also absolutely fitting. Accurate too, unfortunately. was
(02-06-2015, 12:49 PM)71degrees Wrote: [ -> ]Edit #1
I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for them against
a bright August moon, rustles of dark
turning maple leaves and pitched voices,
laughters tussling with pipe organ notes
from the county fair across the grassy field:
the Ferris wheel bulbs burning deep blue
deeper red, yellow, orange smooth,
pony tail hair tumbling, smooth skin,
smoother hands, fumbling footsteps
tip toeing, all their lovely hair bathing
in midnight orange, cotton candy blue,
ice red and black berry snow cones
I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for they are all tongue,
grape licorice, leaning against the boys,
whispering into their ears like young seashells,
"Let’s look at the stars until we both go blind"
Original
I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for them for they are
beneath a bright August moon, rustles of dark
turning maple leaves and pitched voices,
laughter tussling with pipe organ notes
from the county fair, across the grassy field
the Ferris wheel bulbs burn deep blue
deeper red, yellow, orange smooth, pony tail
hair tumbling, smoother skin, smoothest hands
fumbling footsteps tip toeing toward shadows,
all their lovely hair bathing in midnight orange
cotton candy blue, red, and yellow snow cones
I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for them for they are
all tongue and grape licorice, leaning
against the boys with tight thighs, whispering
into the ears like young seashells,
"let’s look at the stars until we both go blind"
I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for them for they are
in all their female splendor, bodies framed
in unspoken clarity; I fear if one shakes loose
tonight, she will surely darken me.
(02-20-2015, 10:20 AM)leftovernachos Wrote: [ -> ]I really like this, I can't say much for structure, it seemed really flow of consciousness style in the first verse/stanza, but seemed to kind of turn from a sentence into a list of descriptors of various things (the girls, their skin and hair, the lights on the wheel- midnight orange seems odd, but i know what color you mean- and then into listing confections avaliable at a county fair... I really like the part about the girls whispering into the boys ears, it shows how you feel about relationships with great clarity, and the end is also absolutely fitting. Accurate too, unfortunately. was (02-06-2015, 12:49 PM)71degrees Wrote: [ -> ]Edit #1
I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for them against
a bright August moon, rustles of dark
turning maple leaves and pitched voices,
laughters tussling with pipe organ notes
from the county fair across the grassy field:
the Ferris wheel bulbs burning deep blue
deeper red, yellow, orange smooth,
pony tail hair tumbling, smooth skin,
smoother hands, fumbling footsteps
tip toeing, all their lovely hair bathing
in midnight orange, cotton candy blue,
ice red and black berry snow cones
I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for they are all tongue,
grape licorice, leaning against the boys,
whispering into their ears like young seashells,
"Let’s look at the stars until we both go blind"
Original
I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for them for they are
beneath a bright August moon, rustles of dark
turning maple leaves and pitched voices,
laughter tussling with pipe organ notes
from the county fair, across the grassy field
the Ferris wheel bulbs burn deep blue
deeper red, yellow, orange smooth, pony tail
hair tumbling, smoother skin, smoothest hands
fumbling footsteps tip toeing toward shadows,
all their lovely hair bathing in midnight orange
cotton candy blue, red, and yellow snow cones
I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for them for they are
all tongue and grape licorice, leaning
against the boys with tight thighs, whispering
into the ears like young seashells,
"let’s look at the stars until we both go blind"
I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for them for they are
in all their female splendor, bodies framed
in unspoken clarity; I fear if one shakes loose
tonight, she will surely darken me.
Leftovers: Thanks. I think I mentioned earlier, I can see the fair across the field from my house. "Midnight Orange" is what I call the weird reflection of lights coming off the rides at night. Thanks for noticing. I like a comment like "accurate"....thanks, again.