County Fair

[Brownlie]

Ok, this one looks pretty good.

I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for them for they are -- Too much of the word "for," and "for they are" seems like it could be stated more succinctly.
beneath a bright August moon, rustles of dark -- Do you need the word "bright?" What is a rustle of dark? I'm having difficulty going directly into "rustles of dark" but that may just be me.
turning maple leaves and pitched voices,
laughter tussling with pipe organ notes
from the county fair, across the grassy field -- It looks like your switching ideas mid line which may cause problems.
the Ferris wheel bulbs burn deep blue -- I like this line and I might even start the poem with it.
deeper red, yellow, orange smooth, pony tail  -- You have a list of colors and then you switch to body parts. Maybe you had this in mind, or maybe you could find a way to distinguish the two lists.
hair tumbling, smoother skin, smoothest hands
fumbling footsteps tip toeing toward shadows,
all their lovely hair bathing in midnight orange
cotton candy blue, red, and yellow snow cones -- The colors are the fair (or at least an apt metonym, or something), that's a cool idea.
     
I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for them for they are -- I wouldn't use a line that doesn't convey much new info as a refrain. I'm definitely not the best refrain guy though. I suppose you have some room leaving the line open with this one.
all tongue and grape licorice, leaning
against the boys with tight thighs, whispering
into the ears like young seashells,
"let’s look at the stars until we both go blind" -- When this flows coherently it's pretty good.


I need not search for the girls of summer,
need not write a poem for them for they are
in all their female splendor, bodies framed
in unspoken clarity; I fear if one shakes loose
tonight, she will surely darken me.

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