Poet's Trance Alternative Edit

[onepapa]

(This was the result of a critique I received on another board. Please compare with edit 1, although it is almost a different poem.)

Poet's Fugue

If you suppose I'm clinically depressed,
I don't appreciate your kind dismay.
So what? I haven't had a meal today,
or made my bed, or even gotten dressed!
(Obsessed, I'd just neglected to ingest.)
I mined for words to prove in the assay;
I dug up metaphor that would convey
the deepest nuance readers can digest.
So don't be worried that I've lost my mind.
I couldn't feel the hours passing by;
I never heard my stomach's aching groan.
I'd been transported to a place behind
the world, where time's an evanescent lie
and every glinting word's a precious stone.

Edit 1:

Poet's Trance

I haven't eaten anything today,
or made my bed, or even gotten dressed,
and if you think I'm clinically depressed
I don't appreciate your kind dismay.
I didn't feel despair, or lose my way,
but scrutinized each line to find the best
of rhymes; the secret metaphors unguessed
as yet; the stunning phrases to convey
the deepest nuance to my reader's mind.
I couldn't feel the hours passing by,
or even hear my gut's regretful groan.
I was transported to a place behind
the world, where time's an evanescent lie
and every glinting word's a precious stone.


First Draft:
This one needs to be whacked into shape. Spenserian sonnets are strangerian.


I haven't eaten anything today,
or made my bed, or even gotten dressed,
and if you think I'm clinically depressed
I don't appreciate your kind dismay.
I never felt despair, or lost my way,
I just kept looking for the very best,
the perfect rhyme, the words unguessed
as yet, the stunning phrase that would convey
the deepest nuance to my reader's mind.
I couldn't feel the hours passing by,
or hear my hollow belly's distant groan.
I was transported to a place behind
the world we know, where time's a lie
and every glinting word's a precious stone.

Leah,

I prefer Edit 1.  I like the title better for the emotion and state of mind it conveys.  Using Fugue (and you can read Funk) also works but I simply like Trance better as it resonates with me and conveys a strong feeling rather than the intellectual reaction I get to Fugue.  I concede that Fugue works better as a classical reference in a classically formatted poem but still like "Trance" better.

I also liked Edit 1 for "secret metaphors unguessed" and "stunning phrases to convey" (ok, maybe a little cliché but it still works) as they convey stronger and clearing feeling than your new version.  You already know from my prior comments that I like "stomach" better than gut so I think that line is better in Fugue.

The last three lines are stunning.

These are all minor comments but I liked it so much I had to comment.

This is excellent work and should be whacked into publication.

onepapa

Fugue is also a word for a psychological state wherein an amnesiac creates an entire other personality, and when they recover their original memories, they have no recollection of the secondary personality or any of the events that occurred during that time period.

I did not know that. Very interesting, now I understand why you used it. Thanks.

onepapa