Black Bear

[Heartafire]

Revision (thank you Tiger and Brownlie)


Curled into this narrow space
she aches from the bite of winter.
Constricted in  cavernous space
bones protrude at her hips and shoulders.

Small inert forms tuck beneath her pelt
their slumber soothed by diaphanous ghosts
 that hover above denizens awaiting
 rebirth of the earth.

The gesture of robin
a rustling of deer,
the run off of melting snow
 down grassy hills.

Inertia still aches in her ribs.
Shivering dormancy they awake
 to spring where there is breathing


Original

Curled in this narrow space
she aches from the bite of winter.
She has grown narrow and bones
protrude at her hips and shoulders.

Small inert forms tuck beneath her pelt,
their slumber soothed by diaphanous ghosts
 that hover above the space where
 denizens await the rebirth of earth.

The trill of a robin, a rustle of deer,
the run off of melting snow down green hills.
Inertia still aches in her ribs.
Shivering dormancy she emerges into spring
where there is room to breathe.

[Tiger the Lion]

Love natural history pieces. Some thoughts below:

Curled in this narrow space
she aches from the bite of winter.
She has grown narrow and bones
protrude at her hips and shoulders. Not sure about the 2 uses of "narrow" in such close proximity. You may be able to sub "hollow" in either instance. Might maintain the sonics and meaning.

Small inert forms tuck beneath her pelt, "Pelt" almost always refers to skin/fur from an already dead animal. Was this intentional? If not, fur,hair, coat - all work.
their slumber soothed by diaphanous ghosts
 that hover above the space where
 denizens await the rebirth of earth.

The trill of a robin, a rustle of deer, not sure about "a rustle" here. -- the rustle? a rustling? I'm not sure.
the run off of melting snow down green hills.
Inertia still aches in her ribs.
Shivering dormancy she emerges into spring - "emerges into" doesn't work. By simple definition you are saying "comes out of into" Lots of ways to fix this. I'm sure you'll find one.
where there is room to breathe.

Enjoyed this one. Good luck with it!
Paul

[Brownlie]

Hi, there's some sort of a movement and quasi finality here which is always interesting. You may also want to watch out for the uneven rhythm here.

Curled in this narrow space -- What is this narrow space called?
she aches from the bite of winter. - Bite of winter is a bit of a cliché. Plus a sort of atrophy seems to be the cause of the aching.

She has grown narrow and bones -- Ya, two narrows seems like a good place to fix.
protrude at her hips and shoulders.

Small inert forms tuck beneath her pelt,
their slumber soothed by diaphanous ghosts -- The limbs themselves slumber?
 that hover above the space where
 denizens await the rebirth of earth. -"the" and "of earth" seem to detract from this line. Also, and this is just my opinion, I would rather have specifics instead of denizens.

The trill of a robin, a rustle of deer, -- A rustle of deer? This seems like an illogical construction (I'm obviously wearing my hard hat here). Also the trill of a robin seems to laden when you could say a robin's trill.
the run off of melting snow down green hills. -- Green seems kind of like a lackluster descriptor even if it is the color of spring.
Inertia still aches in her ribs. -- I guess I would ask how this occurs?
Shivering dormancy she emerges into spring -- In my opinion, you certainly don't need green hills and spring. Also spring seems more temporal, maybe in the open air or something? Kinda speaking out my butt here.
where there is room to breathe.

I left some begging questions and some haphazard advice.

[Heartafire]

Hi, there's some sort of a movement and quasi finality here which is always interesting. You may also want to watch out for the uneven rhythm here.

Curled in this narrow space -- What is this narrow space called?
she aches from the bite of winter. - Bite of winter is a bit of a cliché. Plus a sort of atrophy seems to be the cause of the aching.

She has grown narrow and bones -- Ya, two narrows seems like a good place to fix.
protrude at her hips and shoulders.

Small inert forms tuck beneath her pelt,
their slumber soothed by diaphanous ghosts -- The limbs themselves slumber?
 that hover above the space where
 denizens await the rebirth of earth. -"the" and "of earth" seem to detract from this line. Also, and this is just my opinion, I would rather have specifics instead of denizens.

The trill of a robin, a rustle of deer, -- A rustle of deer? This seems like an illogical construction (I'm obviously wearing my hard hat here). Also the trill of a robin seems to laden when you could say a robin's trill.
the run off of melting snow down green hills. -- Green seems kind of like a lackluster descriptor even if it is the color of spring.
Inertia still aches in her ribs. -- I guess I would ask how this occurs?
Shivering dormancy she emerges into spring -- In my opinion, you certainly don't need green hills and spring. Also spring seems more temporal, maybe in the open air or something? Kinda speaking out my butt here.
where there is room to breathe.

I left some begging questions and some haphazard advice.

---

Thank you so much for reading and your very helpful suggestions. I have made revisions based on your comments.  I am open to any thoughts on improvement to this revision. The "forms" are cubs.  Thank you again Tiger and Brownlie.

[Leah S.]

Revision (thank you Tiger and Brownlie)


Curled into this narrow space
she aches from the bite of winter. cliché.
Constricted in  cavernous space how 'constricted' if it's 'cavernous'? Usual usage describes a vast echoing space.
bones protrude at her hips and shoulders.

Small inert forms tuck beneath her pelt
their slumber soothed by diaphanous ghosts diaphanous means translucent, nearly transparent.
 that hover above denizens awaiting if 'denizens' refers to the bear and her cubs, that isn't very clear.
 rebirth of the earth. cliché. I challenge you to find a novel way to describe spring's awakening.

(About those ghosts -- I was forced to conclude that the ghosts were the gestures, the rustling, and the run-off, but I couldn't quite visualize them. Maybe because they were so diaphanous.)

The gesture of robins, I like "gesture of robins" but it ought to be 'gestures' if it's 'robins.' Else it should be 'a robin.'
a rustling of deer,
the run off of melting snow using 'run-off' is awkward here; I think because you felt the need to define it immediately afterward. Where I live, we just say 'spring run-off' and it isn't necessary to even mention snow.
 down grassy hills.

Inertia still aches in her ribs. this is nice.
Shivering dormancy they awake strange word usage, not sure I like it. How does one shiver a dormancy? Also, I think you need to replace "awake." I struggled with the image of hairy starved ribs rubbing their sleepy little eyes. May I suggest "expand" ?
 to spring where there is breathing room. presumably they are coming out of the den, and that's the reason there is room to breathe. I suggest an adjective before "spring" that indicates spaciousness.

I like this poem, and the revision is definitely improved. Carry on. Leah.

Original

Curled in this narrow space
she aches from the bite of winter.
She has grown narrow and bones
protrude at her hips and shoulders.

Small inert forms tuck beneath her pelt,
their slumber soothed by diaphanous ghosts
 that hover above the space where
 denizens await the rebirth of earth.

The trill of a robin, a rustle of deer,
the run off of melting snow down green hills.
Inertia still aches in her ribs.
Shivering dormancy she emerges into spring
where there is room to breathe.

[tectak]

Revision (thank you Tiger and Brownlie)



Curled into this narrow space OK. She is hibernating and she is bear. I got "bear" from the title and the hibernating from "curled into" and significantly "narrow space". All is clear. She is in her tiny, enclosed, windproof, snowproof den. It must be cold enough to induce and maintain hibernation but not so cold that she would freeze to death. I have got the scene...
she aches from the bite of winter. This clinches my reading...oh,joy! Three clear lines.
Constricted in  cavernous space Wha..?...Whoa?...Whi..? We now switch to a metaphorical creature who's bones in the "cavernous space" of her body envelope still protrude. Sorry, heart, I love you but not this sentence.
bones protrude at her hips and shoulders.

Small inert forms tuck beneath her pelt Phew! Meanwhile, back in the narrow space we have a scene of loving domesticity...albeit somewhat, er, inert. Good imagery nonetheless. No nits. The "pelt" is usually reserved for removed skin, but I do not know why. It troubles me but not a lot
their slumber soothed by diaphanous ghosts
 that hover above denizens awaiting Methinks a comma after above, surely? hovering above denizens loses sense rapidly...I am not even sure about denizens.
 rebirth of the earth. This is such a commonplace descriptor that it is beyond cliche.You may get away with it on the grounds of natural selection!

The gesture of robins, Wouldn't it be great if the collective noun for robins is "a gesture"...but it isn't
a rustling of deer,
the run off of melting snow
 down grassy hills. This not a sentence, it mixes definites and indefinites in a very awkward way, and it is guilty of language abuse. What ABOUT the gesture of robins? You do not say. Are we talking noisome intrusions? It is muddled.

Inertia still aches in her ribs. This I like though you use ache again. Try " Inertia still grips fast her ribs" to imply the commonly accepted result  of "inertia". It does not ache, it holds.
Shivering dormancy they awake "Shivering off" or YOU have become Robin "Shivering Dormancy, Batman! KPOW!
 to spring where there is breathing room.
Hi heart,
Good to see you posting...you have been dormant for some time. Overall, I could go with this because it has huge potential for developing all the poetic ethos I know you can muster. Clarity is taking second place to wordiness. My only advice would be to hang on to the good (concept, imagery, metaphor) and ditch the advanced semantics.
Very Best,
tectak

Original

Curled in this narrow space
she aches from the bite of winter.
She has grown narrow and bones
protrude at her hips and shoulders.

Small inert forms tuck beneath her pelt,
their slumber soothed by diaphanous ghosts
 that hover above the space where
 denizens await the rebirth of earth.

The trill of a robin, a rustle of deer,
the run off of melting snow down green hills.
Inertia still aches in her ribs.
Shivering dormancy she emerges into spring
where there is room to breathe.

[fromcancertocapricorn]

Revision (thank you Tiger and Brownlie)


Curled into this narrow space
she aches from the bite of winter. Describing winter as biting seems a little cliche...
Constricted in  cavernous space
bones protrude at her hips and shoulders.Cavernous is a really apt word choice. Additionally, I like the image of protruding bones.

Small inert forms tuck beneath her pelt
their slumber soothed by diaphanous ghosts
 that hover above denizens awaiting
 rebirth of the earth. Clever use of rebirth instead of spring!

The gesture of robin
a rustling of deer,
the run off of melting snow
 down grassy hills. Honestly, you avoided any cringe-worthy cliches until now. This stanza is one massive, trite, cliche.

Inertia still aches in her ribs. Definitely my favorite line in the poem.
Shivering dormancy they awake Clever use of shivering.
 to spring where there is breathing Not a fan of this last line. Poems involving spring are hard, because spring is, for some reason, full of cliches. This is one of them.


Original

Curled in this narrow space
she aches from the bite of winter.
She has grown narrow and bones
protrude at her hips and shoulders.

Small inert forms tuck beneath her pelt,
their slumber soothed by diaphanous ghosts
 that hover above the space where
 denizens await the rebirth of earth.

The trill of a robin, a rustle of deer,
the run off of melting snow down green hills.
Inertia still aches in her ribs.
Shivering dormancy she emerges into spring
where there is room to breathe.

I like poems about hibernation, and there are many promising parts of this poem. Unfortunately, the cliches are your failure here, and they supersede all the wonderful and creative lines.