02-13-2015, 05:37 PM
I like the sort of "no nonsense" voice you've adopted in this poem, it certainly creates the desolate - yet whimsical - mood I believe you're trying to achieve with this poem. There were only two lines that I found confusing and ultimately not useful to the poem, those being "and pull out of a bag that has no bottom,
bottomless." I think what you were trying to convey is that the bag is bottomless, but at this point you are using bottomless as the subject of the sentence. If you want to keep it as written, I would suggest putting a period in place of the comma. There were quite a few repeats of similar words ("substance", "bottom", etc.) - do all you can to come up with other ways of saying things than repeating words: in poetry every word counts for or against the poem, the greatest poets can say a lot with very little and never reuse words!
bottomless." I think what you were trying to convey is that the bag is bottomless, but at this point you are using bottomless as the subject of the sentence. If you want to keep it as written, I would suggest putting a period in place of the comma. There were quite a few repeats of similar words ("substance", "bottom", etc.) - do all you can to come up with other ways of saying things than repeating words: in poetry every word counts for or against the poem, the greatest poets can say a lot with very little and never reuse words!