Poet's Trance Alternative Edit

[onepapa]

Edit 1:

Poet's Trance

I haven't eaten anything today,
or made my bed, or even gotten dressed,
and if you think I'm clinically depressed
I don't appreciate your kind dismay.
I didn't feel despair, or lose my way,
but scrutinized each line to find the best
of rhymes; the secret metaphors unguessed
as yet; the stunning phrases to convey
the deepest nuance to my reader's mind.
I couldn't feel the hours passing by,
or even hear my gut's regretful groan.
I was transported to a place behind
the world, where time's an evanescent lie
and every glinting word's a precious stone.


First Draft:
This one needs to be whacked into shape. Spenserian sonnets are strangerian.


I haven't eaten anything today,
or made my bed, or even gotten dressed,
and if you think I'm clinically depressed
I don't appreciate your kind dismay.
I never felt despair, or lost my way,
I just kept looking for the very best,
the perfect rhyme, the words unguessed
as yet, the stunning phrase that would convey
the deepest nuance to my reader's mind.
I couldn't feel the hours passing by,
or hear my hollow belly's distant groan.
I was transported to a place behind
the world we know, where time's a lie
and every glinting word's a precious stone.

Leah,

Great edit! I liked the first version and this one is even better. The only thing that seemed to be a bit of a jarring note was "gut". A nice strong Angelo-Saxon word but it tends to stand out too much in this lyrical work. This is probably just my oversensitive ear so feel free to ignore the comment.

onepapa