02-07-2015, 06:56 AM
I like the imagery, very nice scenes, and the overall idea. I think the poem would be smoother if you dropped the first two lines of stanzas 2 and 3 and replaced them with something like "Girls of summer are," or "Summer girls are," as you have already written the conditional phrase in the first part, so it is enough to just reference it with shorter lines.
The first stanza could benefit from being at least two distinct sentences with periods at the end (the lack of punctuation does not help your poem and actually hinders it as one questions why there was no sentence ending, especially with a new sentence beginning with each stanza), as I can see no rationale in not using them, if there is please let me know. Also need some rephrasing to cut down on the ever run-on in the second half of stanza 1 as it gets too cumbersome and begins to disrupt the reading of the sentence.
I think maybe instead of "looks in on me" in S3, maybe should read: "I fear if I encounter one tonight..." The reason is it just seems bizarre that a "girl of summer" as you describe them, would look in on the speaker in his house or in his bed. If you were trying to imply that the girls are stars that does not come across.
Dale
The first stanza could benefit from being at least two distinct sentences with periods at the end (the lack of punctuation does not help your poem and actually hinders it as one questions why there was no sentence ending, especially with a new sentence beginning with each stanza), as I can see no rationale in not using them, if there is please let me know. Also need some rephrasing to cut down on the ever run-on in the second half of stanza 1 as it gets too cumbersome and begins to disrupt the reading of the sentence.
I think maybe instead of "looks in on me" in S3, maybe should read: "I fear if I encounter one tonight..." The reason is it just seems bizarre that a "girl of summer" as you describe them, would look in on the speaker in his house or in his bed. If you were trying to imply that the girls are stars that does not come across.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.