02-05-2015, 05:30 AM
Leah,
The only new thing I have to offer is that you strayed close to cliché in several spots including "made my bed", "hollow belly", "lost my way". The part that hit me hard and seemed perfect was "where time's a lie and every glinting word is a precious stone". I loved that ending. Every time I try to write a sonnet it ends up sounding like a nursery rhyme so I appreciate the difficulty of this form. This is very nice and a bit of editing will "whack" it into place.
onepapa
The only new thing I have to offer is that you strayed close to cliché in several spots including "made my bed", "hollow belly", "lost my way". The part that hit me hard and seemed perfect was "where time's a lie and every glinting word is a precious stone". I loved that ending. Every time I try to write a sonnet it ends up sounding like a nursery rhyme so I appreciate the difficulty of this form. This is very nice and a bit of editing will "whack" it into place.
onepapa