01-30-2015, 05:02 PM
Thanks for the feedback! Here're my responses, plus the new draft of the poem.
"assuming this line is not part of the poem?"
It isn't.
"Your meter is messing up my mind..had to get out the scratch paper. See below."
Working on it. I'll post what I've finished of the meter right now. It's still not gonna be that uniform, but it will follow a pattern.
"The image is clear: palms to cheeks, fingers upward, doing that nervous finger tattoo on someone's temples. Why?"
Touch....touch....touch....touch....I imagine touching like that's kinda sexy. But I'll mull over that a bit more later.
"why greedy? Snaky fingers are not the usual configuration of human fingers. I got an image of fingers with several extra joints. If you really want to extend that image, you could replace 'rapping' with 'writhing' in the above line."
They're greedy for the feel of the person's skin. But "writhing" sounds like a good word to use, too, since that movement could also be quite evocative.
"Not sure about 'boiling' but I like this whole stanza."
You boil sap to make syrup. Buuuuut that line's sort of weird in the current draft I'm working on: I can't make up my mind on whether I'll keep it, or I'll introduce another idea.
"Sorry, I don't get it. A blind is an enclosure where hunters hide. It doesn't require restraining, and is never silver."
A blind could also mean a something which obstructs the vision, like a snowstorm or something (which isn't exactly silver, but I imagine with the light of the sun fighting its way through the snowy course, it'd somewhat look like it). Anyway, I'll be keeping that.
"'your dim cellar' ? I think it would be sexier"
Might be.
Oh feck, yeah, radiant is three syllables, not two. Should have caught that. But I think "I can" is a trochee here, and "wine-stained" goes like "X/x", like "bloodstain".
Okay, so here's what I've worked on so far with regards to the poem's meter:
I can feel the heat of summer swinging (Xx/Xx/Xx/Xx/Xx)
with your every humid whisper. (Xx/Xx/Xx/Xx)
Writhing on your ruddy temples (Xx/Xx/Xx/Xx)
are my fingers, greedy wine-stained serpents. (Xx/Xx/Xx/Xx/Xx)
I still haven't finished autumn's new draft, but I've been working on it for two days, and nothing is coming out. Here's the planned meter, anyway:
(Xx/Xx/Xx/Xx) [Smells of freshly-drafted cider]
(Xx/Xx/Xx/Xx) [ripple from your noble dimples.]
(Xx/xX/xX/xX/xX) [....]
(xX/xX/xX/xX/xX) [....]
Blossoming flames and heady beer (Xx/xX/xX/xX)
refill your shriveled bosom with hot blood. (xX/xX/xX/xX/xX)
The fearless rhythm of our winter love (xX/xX/xX/xX/xX)
conquers the silver blind beyond. (Xx/xX/xX/xX)
Flowers are blooming on your skin again: (Xx/xX/xX/xX/xX)
your vernal musk, your honey's wax, returns. (xX/xX/xX/xX/xX)
A glen of cherry cordial lies (xX/xX/xX/xX)
dreaming sweetly in your cellar. (Xx/Xx/Xx/Xx)
"assuming this line is not part of the poem?"
It isn't.
"Your meter is messing up my mind..had to get out the scratch paper. See below."
Working on it. I'll post what I've finished of the meter right now. It's still not gonna be that uniform, but it will follow a pattern.
"The image is clear: palms to cheeks, fingers upward, doing that nervous finger tattoo on someone's temples. Why?"
Touch....touch....touch....touch....I imagine touching like that's kinda sexy. But I'll mull over that a bit more later.
"why greedy? Snaky fingers are not the usual configuration of human fingers. I got an image of fingers with several extra joints. If you really want to extend that image, you could replace 'rapping' with 'writhing' in the above line."
They're greedy for the feel of the person's skin. But "writhing" sounds like a good word to use, too, since that movement could also be quite evocative.
"Not sure about 'boiling' but I like this whole stanza."
You boil sap to make syrup. Buuuuut that line's sort of weird in the current draft I'm working on: I can't make up my mind on whether I'll keep it, or I'll introduce another idea.
"Sorry, I don't get it. A blind is an enclosure where hunters hide. It doesn't require restraining, and is never silver."
A blind could also mean a something which obstructs the vision, like a snowstorm or something (which isn't exactly silver, but I imagine with the light of the sun fighting its way through the snowy course, it'd somewhat look like it). Anyway, I'll be keeping that.
"'your dim cellar' ? I think it would be sexier"
Might be.
Oh feck, yeah, radiant is three syllables, not two. Should have caught that. But I think "I can" is a trochee here, and "wine-stained" goes like "X/x", like "bloodstain".
Okay, so here's what I've worked on so far with regards to the poem's meter:
I can feel the heat of summer swinging (Xx/Xx/Xx/Xx/Xx)
with your every humid whisper. (Xx/Xx/Xx/Xx)
Writhing on your ruddy temples (Xx/Xx/Xx/Xx)
are my fingers, greedy wine-stained serpents. (Xx/Xx/Xx/Xx/Xx)
I still haven't finished autumn's new draft, but I've been working on it for two days, and nothing is coming out. Here's the planned meter, anyway:
(Xx/Xx/Xx/Xx) [Smells of freshly-drafted cider]
(Xx/Xx/Xx/Xx) [ripple from your noble dimples.]
(Xx/xX/xX/xX/xX) [....]
(xX/xX/xX/xX/xX) [....]
Blossoming flames and heady beer (Xx/xX/xX/xX)
refill your shriveled bosom with hot blood. (xX/xX/xX/xX/xX)
The fearless rhythm of our winter love (xX/xX/xX/xX/xX)
conquers the silver blind beyond. (Xx/xX/xX/xX)
Flowers are blooming on your skin again: (Xx/xX/xX/xX/xX)
your vernal musk, your honey's wax, returns. (xX/xX/xX/xX/xX)
A glen of cherry cordial lies (xX/xX/xX/xX)
dreaming sweetly in your cellar. (Xx/Xx/Xx/Xx)