On Break

[Brenkin]

I like the raw ideas you have going on in this poem, though I think you need to flesh them out a bit to have a stronger piece of poetry. As other have said, the last stanza seems to be the strongest. I think the last stanza also showcases the general ideas you are trying to evoke much better than the first two stanzas do. I would lengthen the poem, overhaul the first two stanzas or get rid of them altogether.

Try to make the message your poem is trying to send the reader (me) stronger. Paint the picture in my head, because right now with the poem you gave me I have a few brushstrokes. Nice brushstrokes, but ultimately this piece feels unfinished, or rather it can be something much stronger.