01-28-2015, 11:52 PM
Thanks for the critiques! Here are my responses:
"I prefer "noble hill" to "wilting rose", for me a much more interesting tie to fall and nose."
I was playing with the idea of the girl decaying into winter then getting completely renewed by the spring. She wilts at autumn, then her breasts are all shriveled up at winter, then she's nice and fresh again at spring. Although, yeah, it definitely sounds more interesting....I'll have to think about that.
"I also prefer "and boiling maple sap bleed from your skin". "Still" seems like it's there just to use "ooze"."
I changed that because I felt that that was a bit iffy on the meter, but now that I hear it again....The still, though, was meant to show that by autumn, she still hadn't fully decayed, but with that note, yeah, I see it's failed. I'll think about a good replacement for that idea.
"I'm still undecided on the honey/was change but in the current last line I think you could consider cutting dim, or use asleep instead of sleeping followed by deep or down. Just a thought."
I'll think about both of those. Yeah, the honey change kind of freaks me out, but it's also more metrically consistent.
"the main thing for me was the meter using a set amount of syllables can work but in general a good meter gives the poem a better chance of not jarring as it's being read. all just suggestions of course as the poem is always yours."
Yeah, the next edit will be a try at making the poem more metrically consistent (Instead of the current inconsistent system, I'll play around with using trochees and iambs to convey different meanings). Although I do have half a mind to just botch the current considerations on meter altogether, and maybe just concentrate on using words that make the poem feel stickier and all that.
I'll also, on the next edit, try to expand on the idea of birth-rebirth I played with in the third version, but also make another edit of the poem that's more straightforward with the original intentions, since that whole new layer of subtext might not end up showing very well. But that's for after I've gotten some sleep.
"I prefer "noble hill" to "wilting rose", for me a much more interesting tie to fall and nose."
I was playing with the idea of the girl decaying into winter then getting completely renewed by the spring. She wilts at autumn, then her breasts are all shriveled up at winter, then she's nice and fresh again at spring. Although, yeah, it definitely sounds more interesting....I'll have to think about that.
"I also prefer "and boiling maple sap bleed from your skin". "Still" seems like it's there just to use "ooze"."
I changed that because I felt that that was a bit iffy on the meter, but now that I hear it again....The still, though, was meant to show that by autumn, she still hadn't fully decayed, but with that note, yeah, I see it's failed. I'll think about a good replacement for that idea.
"I'm still undecided on the honey/was change but in the current last line I think you could consider cutting dim, or use asleep instead of sleeping followed by deep or down. Just a thought."
I'll think about both of those. Yeah, the honey change kind of freaks me out, but it's also more metrically consistent.
"the main thing for me was the meter using a set amount of syllables can work but in general a good meter gives the poem a better chance of not jarring as it's being read. all just suggestions of course as the poem is always yours."
Yeah, the next edit will be a try at making the poem more metrically consistent (Instead of the current inconsistent system, I'll play around with using trochees and iambs to convey different meanings). Although I do have half a mind to just botch the current considerations on meter altogether, and maybe just concentrate on using words that make the poem feel stickier and all that.
I'll also, on the next edit, try to expand on the idea of birth-rebirth I played with in the third version, but also make another edit of the poem that's more straightforward with the original intentions, since that whole new layer of subtext might not end up showing very well. But that's for after I've gotten some sleep.