01-28-2015, 05:44 PM
PM,
As others have said, I also find the fake accent disturbing. I think it could be a problem as it is distracting. It either needs to be dumped or fixed. Try reading poems that have something like the accent you envision. Unless you are used to working with dialects it is the best way. Generally you have to hear a dialect and have a trained enough ear to pick up all the little differences and then someway translate it onto paper, which is probably the most difficult part. Other than that there is nothing glaring I would note. I like the jaundice and cynical modes that the narrator puts into his observations. It has that aspect of gallows humor. Someone said this was well traveled ground and it is. However if the material is fresh enough this doesn't matter. In the case of this poem, it seems the writer is mimicking something else rather than actually create something all his own. Mimicking is an excellent way to learn things as long as the person isn't deluded and understands that they are taking the same tune and just rewriting the words.
Dale .
As others have said, I also find the fake accent disturbing. I think it could be a problem as it is distracting. It either needs to be dumped or fixed. Try reading poems that have something like the accent you envision. Unless you are used to working with dialects it is the best way. Generally you have to hear a dialect and have a trained enough ear to pick up all the little differences and then someway translate it onto paper, which is probably the most difficult part. Other than that there is nothing glaring I would note. I like the jaundice and cynical modes that the narrator puts into his observations. It has that aspect of gallows humor. Someone said this was well traveled ground and it is. However if the material is fresh enough this doesn't matter. In the case of this poem, it seems the writer is mimicking something else rather than actually create something all his own. Mimicking is an excellent way to learn things as long as the person isn't deluded and understands that they are taking the same tune and just rewriting the words.
Dale .
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.