Organ planet (explicit)

[Babeanew]

Organ planet

Fuck…Fuck…Fuck… He said grinning.

That’s the dark bile spilling out.

There’s an organ inside, doctors don’t know about.

Spilling acid like burning hot magma in the middle of the self.

Self center that is.

Try to feel your center, well that’s where that is…

Hot burning coal, air suction chokes.

Wolf chewing on a rock.

Cock desperate for cunt.

Piercing erupt volcano.

Sprout on old potato.

That’s where’s from the disease

that eats you from in to out.

One tiny little bite after another.

One beany umbilical cord, held too tight.

A.B

First poem, looking forward to read your critiques!

[tectak]

Organ planet

Fuck…Fuck…Fuck… He said grinning.

That’s the dark bile spilling out.

There’s an organ inside, doctors don’t know about.

Spilling acid like burning hot magma in the middle of the self.

Self center that is.

Try to feel your center, well that’s where that is…

Hot burning coal, air suction chokes.

Wolf chewing on a rock.

Cock desperate for cunt.

Piercing erupt volcano.

Sprout on old potato.

That’s where’s from the disease

that eats you from in to out.

One tiny little bite after another.

One beany umbilical cord, held too tight.

A.B

First poem, looking forward to read your critiques!

Hi babe and welcome.
You use one but one old brush to paint this one...and the bristles start coming out in the first stroke: ) Fuck is an overused word in common vernacular but in poetry gives the impression that you can think of nothing better...frankly, this is likely the case in every occurence. To use it three times in an opening line comes across as gratuitous at best ....lacking in depth at worst. So....once you are through the ignominy of a cliched start you launch into the task with vigour but are hampered by that bristleless brush scratching the canvas with thin lines. You end up with a very weak and transparent piece lacking body, depth and texture.
Whatever fine idea you are trying to express just cannot be represented by using poor tools. Get a new brush, dip it deep and get some colour and intensity into the poem. As it is, any critique which could relate to the usual parameters of poetry...meter, metaphor, imagery, grammar, syntax and the rest...is pointless because what you have done here is just not enough to discuss in these terms.
Take a look at the piece and work on ONE central metaphor...as it is, it is what it is and that is very little of substance spread over a large white sheet.
Best,
tectak

[billy]

it felt pretty okay after one read and pretty not okay after subsequent reads.

i'm fine with expletives, but they didn't work for me in this one. i like some of the lines but i can't get from one line to the next without thing ...what?
if ever i saw a poem trying to push bounderies, this is one of them. it needs a good edit but with one you might have something special, as is, you have some words and a few fucks.

thanks for the read.

Organ planet

Fuck…Fuck…Fuck… He said grinning. would quotations help.

That’s the dark bile spilling out. the first thing i asked was, "why did he say that? not you, the he in the poem? i'm already thinking crackpot...him not you.

There’s an organ inside, doctors don’t know about. inside what?

Spilling acid like burning hot magma in the middle of the self.

Self center that is. this feels to disjointed from the self above.

Try to feel your center, well that’s where that is…

Hot burning coal, air suction chokes.

Wolf chewing on a rock. i'm not sure why but i love this line.

Cock desperate for cunt.

Piercing erupt volcano.

Sprout on old potato.

That’s where’s from the disease

that eats you from in to out.

One tiny little bite after another.

One beany umbilical cord, held too tight.

A.B

First poem, looking forward to read your critiques!

[Babeanew]

Hello,

Thank you for your feed back ... Seems like there's a lot of work

Regards

A.

[ChristopherSea]

Newbabe, I like the organ treatment. I have that nasty beast in my guts; I know about it. There are some good images and phrase usage, but the piece lacks a cohesiveness. The opening is weak and I have yet to see the F-word used effectively in a poem. It's the ultimate cliche and a always sheep in wolf's clothing for me. The strongest way to open this poem would be the line: 'There’s an organ inside...' Welcome to the site and the world of poetry. Good luck with your next edit./Chris

[nb]

Hi Babeanew!

I'll ditto what everyone else has said about "fuck". It should be used sparingly; oversuse (such as here) kills its effect.

You have some intriguing images

Hot burning coal, air suction chokes.

Wolf chewing on a rock.

but they seem kind of scattershot.

This

Piercing erupt volcano

I get but this

Sprout on old potato

I do not.

One beany umbilical cord, held too tight.

Good luck on the rewrite!

nb

[LorettaYoung]

---

Hi; You've gotten some good advice; I don't hear a flow; meters which I am trying to study now make it sound choppy to me; I hear some interesting symbolism but not connected; good try, enjoy. Loretta

[billy]

the good thing is the more we learn the easier it gets, that's not strictly true but it helps if we think that way

no one expects perfection. a suggestion would be to pick one or two items of those mentioned and work on them once done you'll find doing the other stuff easier. small steps, the smaller the steps the more success you'll have. most of us have been where you are and felt how you're probably feeling. you can do it

Hello,

Thank you for your feed back ... Seems like there's a lot of work

Regards

A.

[Erthona]

Organ planet

Fuck…Fuck…Fuck… He said grinning. <"grinning" really>

That’s the dark bile spilling out.

There’s an organ inside, doctors don’t know about.

Spilling acid like burning hot magma in the middle of the self.

Self center that is. < this is nicely satirical>

Try to feel your center, well that’s where that is…

Hot burning coal, air suction chokes.< ah, now we start the poorly punctuated section. Blurb as sentence. I will give my review of each >

Wolf chewing on a rock. <bad>

Cock desperate for cunt. <good>

Piercing erupt volcano. <bad>

Sprout on old potato. <good>

That’s where’s from the disease

that eats you from in to out. <redundant, you could just say, "That’s where’s from the disease comes from".>

One tiny little bite after another. <no more please>

One beany umbilical cord, held too tight. < Maybe, but three should be the limit >

This isn't bad...it's not good, but it isn't bad. Usually with first post or within the first hundred post I am looking for a way to say this suck, without saying this sucks. Of course this does, but there seems to be a brain behind it, which is often not the case. I can see you thinking good things, but lacking the skill to put it down well. This is inventive and sarcastic. That's more than most have going. You seem to lack remedial grammar skills, or have put them on the shelf somewhere. Regardless, those can be learned or retrieved. Just one question. Is "Fuck…Fuck…Fuck… He said grinning" suppose to be a line said by this unknown organ? If so, maybe Tom will have to redact his "gratuitous" remark.

Welcome to the site,

Dale

[Tdurr]

Organ planet

Fuck…Fuck…Fuck… He said grinning.

That’s the dark bile spilling out.

There’s an organ inside, doctors don’t know about.

Spilling acid like burning hot magma in the middle of the self.

Self center that is.

Try to feel your center, well that’s where that is…

Hot burning coal, air suction chokes.

Wolf chewing on a rock.

Cock desperate for cunt.

Piercing erupt volcano.

Sprout on old potato.

That’s where’s from the disease

that eats you from in to out.

One tiny little bite after another.

One beany umbilical cord, held too tight.

A.B

First poem, looking forward to read your critiques!

I love the concept.
The organ is self centeredness? Correct?
There are only a few errors, that are grammatical.
They may be purposeful, but! I thought I would point them out.

"That's where's"
Confused me a bit as well

[Tiger the Lion]

Have to agree with most of the advice on the expletives. Especially in triplets on the first line. Sounds a little like garage band lyrics. Having said that I fully agree with ChristopherSea that L3 is a great opening. If it were my piece (which it isn't) I would flirt with...

There’s an organ inside the doctors don’t know about;
spilling dark bile in expletives...

[Rustymetal]

Sprout on old potato made me laugh. I enjoyed this poem, it was fun. I don't know about the beany umbilical cord line though. That was kinda creepy.