Lament for a Working Man:

[ellajam]

Hi, this is well done, the main issue i have is with those "did"s. They read awkwardly for me. I've put some possible fixes below for you to consider,.They may not be better than what you have but maybe they will spark something for you.

The father died.:


No sooner was the old man dead
did the crows gather 'round his bed; than crows did gather 'round his bed
No sooner had he shut his eyes
did those vultures revel his demise. than vultures reveled his demise
As soon as all the birds were fed,
the candles out, the taste of dread
was spread on wings across the skies
as his soul flew and my soul died.

I'm no meter expert but I gave it a go. Thanks for the read, nice piece.