The Gateway

[kreichert]

The Gateway (revision)

Four letters remain on the wooden sign.

The spirits who dwell there
speak silently to the passing world,
meandering among the crosses
like old lost rivers and braided streams,
momentarily eddying, as if remembering
each others’ eyes
or arms that bore deep self inflicted scratches,
some
the result of picking okra in the garden.

…ylum.

An occasional visitor bows his head
and lifts a weathered tabloid from the grass
where his grandmother once knelt.
Scanning the headline
he shakes his head and tosses the faded paper
into a nearby trash can
leaving the spirits to make sense of it all.

From his car
the white crosses
warrant an oblique glance as the road
bends gently to the left
on an early summer afternoon of ripening dreams.




The Gateway

Near the end of the Richmond-Petersburg Turnpike,
about a mile from the final tollbooth,
where the toll is twenty cents instead of twenty-five,
lies a small hill
snow capped with crosses
outside the Central State Lunatic Asylum for Colored Insane.
The spirits who dwell there
speak silently to the passing world,
meandering among the crosses
like old lost rivers and braided streams,
momentarily eddying, as if remembering
each others’ eyes
or arms that bore deep self inflicted scratches,
some
the result of picking okra in the garden.

An occasional visitor bows a head
and lifts a tabloid from the grass
where it has been abandoned to the weather.
Scanning the headline
He shakes his head and tosses the faded paper
into a nearby trash can
leaving the spirits to make sense of it all.
From his car
the white crosses
warrant an oblique glance as the road
bends gently to the left
on an early summer afternoon of ripening dreams.

[Brownlie]

I liked the okra bit, but I would prefer more of a "show not tell" aesthetic.

[poe_enthusiast]

I thought this was very interesting. I think that there is room for more imagery in order to paint a brighter picture. I also think there are a few abstractions in the poem that need to be explained such as the ignorance and truth.

[kreichert]

I liked the okra bit, but I would prefer more of a "show not tell" aesthetic.

Thanks for your input. I struggle with just that issue. I need to learn to shut my mouth and let my words do the talking. I have attempted to take what you said to heart and have posted an update to the original. Thanks again.

---

I thought this was very interesting. I think that there is room for more imagery in order to paint a brighter picture. I also think there are a few abstractions in the poem that need to be explained such as the ignorance and truth.

Thanks for your comments. Let me know if the edited version provides more imagery. The "ignorance and truth" line refers to some of the reasons that individuals were institutionalized. Abortion, desertion, emancipation, marriage, masturbation, and typhoid fever were all considered as causes of psychosis. Indigent individuals were more likely to be institutionalized for these than the more affluent. For that reason ignorance played a role in some incarcerations while in others, the individuals were actually suffering from some type of mental illness. I edited that line out anyway. Again, thanks for commenting, I truly appreciate your opinion.

[Grace]

To be honest -and this is just me-I would prefer the poem to start at line 7: "The spirits who dwell there.."
The first few lines are giving me directions to a hill with crosses, outside the Central State Lunatic Asylum for Colored Insane. I'm immediately filled with my own response to the shocking words: "lunatic", "asylum" and "coloured insane", which makes it difficult for me to hear the spirits who "speak silently to the passing world". However, there is a poignancy to this image of spirits "meandering ..like old lost rivers", which the "occasional visitor" carries with him, as he travels to the gentle bend in the road. "Ripening dreams", at the end of the poem, works well.

[indarican]

The Gateway

Near the end of the Richmond-Petersburg Turnpike,
about a mile from the final tollbooth,
where the toll is twenty cents instead of twenty-five,
lies a small hill
snow capped with crosses
outside the Central State Lunatic Asylum for Colored Insane.( strange way to start the piece, does not sound or read like poetry to me more of a comment)
The spirits who dwell there
speak silently to the passing world,
meandering among the crosses
like old lost rivers and braided streams,
momentarily eddying, as if remembering
each others’ eyes
or arms that bore deep self inflicted scratches,
some
the result of picking okra in the garden.

An occasional visitor bows a head( Is the visitor a he/she, "a head" reads funny to me)
and lifts a tabloid from the grass
where it has been abandoned to the weather.
Scanning the headline
He shakes his head and tosses the faded paper
into a nearby trash can
leaving the spirits to make sense of it all.
From his car
the white crosses
warrant an oblique glance as the road
bends gently to the left
on an early summer afternoon of ripening dreams.

I was a little thrown by this poem, It almost felt like the feeling of it was not complete. I felt like there should have been more to it. I enjoyed all the description but was unsure of where the reader wanted to lead me. Should I be feeling sad, outraged, loved

[BelialNaoe]

To start, agreeing with a few comments above about the first few lines, though my reasoning would be (outside of that "The spirits who dwell there" would be a great first line) that I felt a form of poignancy was lost with such specific detail as to the location. Maybe you should start so ambiguous with the "there" as suggested, and slowly work in the details, as I'm assuming they're important to you. Visual imagery dominates the poem so perhaps you could use that to clarify the location. Like a weathered sign or perhaps a quick description of the asylum.

As a responder, rather than a writer, one detail lost on me (I'm assuming this is because where I'm from, toll roads are quite the scarcity. Closest one would be about 2.5 hours from here) was the line "where the toll is twenty cents instead of twenty-five". It reads (to me) as though there's some common knowledge I'm missing out on, and jars me on the sentence, since I believe our toll roads here in Aus. are very different.

From line 7 to the end, the imagery is superb, I'll avoid reiterating what previous commenters said line-wise, but I agree with them. The poem does a great job at describing the location and the emotions of those passed fluttering about, and I felt grounded and absorbed in the moment, but then I felt a little lost. Who are these people and why are they here? I'm unsure if the visitor is visiting someone, or if he is just picking up the litter, either out of goodwill or profession. And also, trying to not sound ignorant.. But should the small hill be "snow capped" during an "early summer afternoon"? It's a dramatic change in imagery, and it changes the colours I am imagining. I'm seeing a lot of greys and dull greens originally, but that's not something I would associate with a summer afternoon. In saying that, if the idea is to have that dark cloud of depression over the area, almost ostracised from society due to the area being this forgotten, almost purposefully, piece of scenery, then I feel a single line inserted somewhere to enforce this point would help the reader not dwell on the point, rather wallow alongside these souls and help the whole thing become even more emotive than it already is.

The last 5 lines, however, are perfect.
"From his car
the white crosses
warrant an oblique glance as the road
bends gently to the left
on an early summer afternoon of ripening dreams."
I wouldn't change a thing. It reads great and when spoken aloud works beautifully, and get better with each read. This isn't flattery, though, rather a plea to keep these line if you rewrite or edit the rest.

Great first comment -- thank you! / Admin

[kreichert]

To start, agreeing with a few comments above about the first few lines, though my reasoning would be (outside of that "The spirits who dwell there" would be a great first line) that I felt a form of poignancy was lost with such specific detail as to the location. Maybe you should start so ambiguous with the "there" as suggested, and slowly work in the details, as I'm assuming they're important to you. Visual imagery dominates the poem so perhaps you could use that to clarify the location. Like a weathered sign or perhaps a quick description of the asylum.

As a responder, rather than a writer, one detail lost on me (I'm assuming this is because where I'm from, toll roads are quite the scarcity. Closest one would be about 2.5 hours from here) was the line "where the toll is twenty cents instead of twenty-five". It reads (to me) as though there's some common knowledge I'm missing out on, and jars me on the sentence, since I believe our toll roads here in Aus. are very different.

From line 7 to the end, the imagery is superb, I'll avoid reiterating what previous commenters said line-wise, but I agree with them. The poem does a great job at describing the location and the emotions of those passed fluttering about, and I felt grounded and absorbed in the moment, but then I felt a little lost. Who are these people and why are they here? I'm unsure if the visitor is visiting someone, or if he is just picking up the litter, either out of goodwill or profession. And also, trying to not sound ignorant.. But should the small hill be "snow capped" during an "early summer afternoon"? It's a dramatic change in imagery, and it changes the colours I am imagining. I'm seeing a lot of greys and dull greens originally, but that's not something I would associate with a summer afternoon. In saying that, if the idea is to have that dark cloud of depression over the area, almost ostracised from society due to the area being this forgotten, almost purposefully, piece of scenery, then I feel a single line inserted somewhere to enforce this point would help the reader not dwell on the point, rather wallow alongside these souls and help the whole thing become even more emotive than it already is.

The last 5 lines, however, are perfect.
"From his car
the white crosses
warrant an oblique glance as the road
bends gently to the left
on an early summer afternoon of ripening dreams."
I wouldn't change a thing. It reads great and when spoken aloud works beautifully, and get better with each read. This isn't flattery, though, rather a plea to keep these line if you rewrite or edit the rest.

Great first comment -- thank you! / Admin

Thanks for your comments. I appreciate your thoughtful consideration. I have incorporated many of them is the latest version above.

[Grace]

The Gateway (revision)

Four letters remain on the wooden sign.

The spirits who dwell there
speak silently to the passing world,
meandering among the crosses
like old lost rivers and braided streams,
momentarily eddying, as if remembering
each others’ eyes
or arms that bore deep self inflicted scratches,
some
the result of picking okra in the garden.

…ylum.

An occasional visitor bows his head
and lifts a weathered tabloid from the grass
where his grandmother once knelt.
Scanning the headline
he shakes his head and tosses the faded paper
into a nearby trash can
leaving the spirits to make sense of it all.

From his car
the white crosses
warrant an oblique glance as the road
bends gently to the left
on an early summer afternoon of ripening dreams.




The Gateway

Near the end of the Richmond-Petersburg Turnpike,
about a mile from the final tollbooth,
where the toll is twenty cents instead of twenty-five,
lies a small hill
snow capped with crosses
outside the Central State Lunatic Asylum for Colored Insane.
The spirits who dwell there
speak silently to the passing world,
meandering among the crosses
like old lost rivers and braided streams,
momentarily eddying, as if remembering
each others’ eyes
or arms that bore deep self inflicted scratches,
some
the result of picking okra in the garden.

An occasional visitor bows a head
and lifts a tabloid from the grass
where it has been abandoned to the weather.
Scanning the headline
He shakes his head and tosses the faded paper
into a nearby trash can
leaving the spirits to make sense of it all.
From his car
the white crosses
warrant an oblique glance as the road
bends gently to the left
on an early summer afternoon of ripening dreams.

Kreichert,  the new version of your poem is lovely. I think you're an example of somebody who listens to critiques, and  uses them to  improve your  work. The edit is excellent. The lines in italics work really well.  Thank you for the read.  Grace.

[BelialNaoe]

Revision is much better! It look me a while to get the "...ylum." part, but I think that's because I was thinking too hard into it. Only other thought I had, and you can feel free to disagree with me on this, is ...

/An/ occasional visitor bows his head
but rather,
/The/ occasional visitor bows his head

I feel like it would make more sense, given the lines after it. Ideally it would be "One of the occasional visitors", since it isn't just anyone, rather a character. But then the line is too long and mucks it all up. So my thought was just 'The occasional visitor'.

This is just personal opinion nitpickyness, of course, rather than serious critiquing. Just feels better.