01-24-2015, 01:45 PM
Gotta note that I'm trying to keep the number of syllables as constant as possible (10 or 8 syllables per line, with each stanza containing a total of 36 syllables each), so I can't really add or subtract whole chunks of sounds, and the poem does have a rhyme scheme, albeit a very subtle one. I can really only change the words up a bit (although later on, if it's really demanded of me, I could change the entire structure of the poem).
Hmm....yeah, pallid may not be a good word to have used, there. I always think of paleness as a mark of beauty, but now, since that stanza's set in the summer, I don't think calling her pale there's really appropriate.
The chains are the chains of winter, ie the two lovers can't really move around as much because of the cold. The silver blind beyond is the outside world, all covered in fog and snow. If you haven't noticed, each stanza pertains to a specific season in the proper order, starting with summer and ending with spring, so at that point it's already winter for the speaker.
Anyway, thanks for the feedback! I'll change that one word later, when I've finished a little errand I have to work on today (to be specific, buying this hard to find anatomy book).
Hmm....yeah, pallid may not be a good word to have used, there. I always think of paleness as a mark of beauty, but now, since that stanza's set in the summer, I don't think calling her pale there's really appropriate.
The chains are the chains of winter, ie the two lovers can't really move around as much because of the cold. The silver blind beyond is the outside world, all covered in fog and snow. If you haven't noticed, each stanza pertains to a specific season in the proper order, starting with summer and ending with spring, so at that point it's already winter for the speaker.
Anyway, thanks for the feedback! I'll change that one word later, when I've finished a little errand I have to work on today (to be specific, buying this hard to find anatomy book).