01-14-2015, 04:01 AM
I sat on high, above the earth, in the night sky.
We were weaving and dreaming, giving birth from the mind.
She came to me, as if she were wrought purely from my fantasy.
For I had said that woman is made of man's dreams.
I didn't really think that I was being extreme,
and so I let my mind wander.
As I watched her dance to my beats,
my heart grew ever fonder.
Sure enough it wasn't long before she was the hottest, a treat, and yes as a Goddess.
I poured into her my love and all my power, and she stood there on my black diamond tower.
As a dream come true.
Like a fool I had given her my entire rule, and allowed her to dream my dream.
Then a snake popped up from the ground and said in its hissing sound, "that girl is not what she seems."
And like a tool I wondered, and the sky thundered, and in my eyes my love sundered.
For at that moment of my doubt love's waters had turned into drought.
For I did not know if love was real, and I let that snake steal.
My love and life away from me.
Line 5, the word think should be thought. The voice is inconsistent; try making the lines the same length and adding rhythm
But if you want to stick with this: cut line length after every word that rhymes, or that’s going to rhyme:
I didn’t think my thoughts extreme,
and so I let my mind wander.
As I watched her dance to my beats,
my heart grew ever fonder.
And there are some words that are unnecessary: like “really”, it makes the poem feel too much like a casual conversation.
I’ll put those in bold.
When you use symbolism, it is necessary to pair it with at least a few lines that dissect the idea.
take the meaning behind the symbolism and put it into words.
Some words are a bit too strong. ill put that in italics.
The ideas flow well from one to the other, but you need better symmetry (in form, imagery and symbols)
when you have a symbol, or an image, they should all come together. I understand what is being said
but you need better delivery. but you do have good ideas.
We were weaving and dreaming, giving birth from the mind.
She came to me, as if she were wrought purely from my fantasy.
For I had said that woman is made of man's dreams.
I didn't really think that I was being extreme,
and so I let my mind wander.
As I watched her dance to my beats,
my heart grew ever fonder.
Sure enough it wasn't long before she was the hottest, a treat, and yes as a Goddess.
I poured into her my love and all my power, and she stood there on my black diamond tower.
As a dream come true.
Like a fool I had given her my entire rule, and allowed her to dream my dream.
Then a snake popped up from the ground and said in its hissing sound, "that girl is not what she seems."
And like a tool I wondered, and the sky thundered, and in my eyes my love sundered.
For at that moment of my doubt love's waters had turned into drought.
For I did not know if love was real, and I let that snake steal.
My love and life away from me.
Line 5, the word think should be thought. The voice is inconsistent; try making the lines the same length and adding rhythm
But if you want to stick with this: cut line length after every word that rhymes, or that’s going to rhyme:
I didn’t think my thoughts extreme,
and so I let my mind wander.
As I watched her dance to my beats,
my heart grew ever fonder.
And there are some words that are unnecessary: like “really”, it makes the poem feel too much like a casual conversation.
I’ll put those in bold.
When you use symbolism, it is necessary to pair it with at least a few lines that dissect the idea.
take the meaning behind the symbolism and put it into words.
Some words are a bit too strong. ill put that in italics.
The ideas flow well from one to the other, but you need better symmetry (in form, imagery and symbols)
when you have a symbol, or an image, they should all come together. I understand what is being said
but you need better delivery. but you do have good ideas.