ACTS OF DEALS

[Barbito]

ACTS OF DEAL
Dare not, whisper to chief.
Well everybody knows
Greed took firm of crowns
It’s a mischief
That drove us out of Eden

It’s cold darkness
Shine not
‘Cause it’s a ray
That dims within

The untold forbidden
Were open secrets, just hidden
In scattered files and minds of fathers
Well, it grew to character.

The jury so keen
But sprouted deals
Invaded by the chief’s kin
And case handled so seal
Then charged no sin
Dimmed within

Where is the ground?
Where true firm words are found?
Well, everybody knows
It’s beyond acts of deals.

[tectak]

ACTS OF DEAL
Dare not, whisper to chief.
Well everybody knows
Greed took firm of crowns
It’s a mischief
That drove us out of Eden

It’s cold darkness
Shine not
‘Cause it’s a ray
That dims within

The untold forbidden
Were open secrets, just hidden
In scattered files and minds of fathers
Well, it grew to character.

The jury so keen
But sprouted deals
Invaded by the chief’s kin
And case handled so seal
Then charged no sin
Dimmed within

Where is the ground?
Where true firm words are found?
Well, everybody knows
It’s beyond acts of deals.

It should be apparent from the huge amount of information posted on this site regarding the purpose of the forums and the expressed ethos being improvement through critique, that if you post here you are at the very least interested in poetry. You may not have English as your first language but that should not prevent you responding to any critique which is offered. On the other hand, if you are a sad troll with no talent worthy of consideration you must expect to have your postings deleted. This piece is, frankly, worthless in poetic terms BUT you may need guidance or therapy...one we can give but you MUST indicate your preference. It is noted that you have visited the site recently but have chosen to leave without comment. Your response is THE determining factor in maintaining status on this site. MOD

[Barbito]

This is the first poem have posted and apparently the first have written. I have written it without focusing too much on the rules, but keeping the massage in it as clear as possible.

---

Your corrections are noted and how the forum expects on participations.

[tectak]

This is the first poem have posted and apparently the first have written. I have written it  without focusing too much on the rules, but keeping the massage in it as clear as possible.

---

Your corrections are noted and how the forum expects on participations.

Good egg,
message not massage,
tectak

[Hematite12]

ACTS OF DEAL
Dare not, whisper to chief.
Well everybody knows
Greed took firm of crowns
It’s a mischief
That drove us out of Eden

It’s cold darkness
Shine not
‘Cause it’s a ray
That dims within

The untold forbidden
Were open secrets, just hidden
In scattered files and minds of fathers
Well, it grew to character.

The jury so keen
But sprouted deals
Invaded by the chief’s kin
And case handled so seal
Then charged no sin
Dimmed within

Where is the ground?
Where true firm words are found?
Well, everybody knows
It’s beyond acts of deals.

I think the poem could benefit from more punctuation. The word choice is generally pretty creative, with the whole "chief" thing, but I don't understand the content much. What are "acts of deals"?

As far as rhyming, I think the poem would benefit from either rhyming the entire thing in couplets, or just free versing it entirely.

Also a couple questions, which I hope will not deem this off-topic.

off topic comments deleted. /mod

Also with the poem, try to clarify phrases like "case handled so seal" and "grew to character". I don't really know what those mean.

[Barbito]

ACTS OF DEAL
Dare not, whisper to chief.
Well everybody knows
Greed took firm of crowns
It’s a mischief
That drove us out of Eden

It’s cold darkness
Shine not
‘Cause it’s a ray
That dims within

The untold forbidden
Were open secrets, just hidden
In scattered files and minds of fathers
Well, it grew to character.

The jury so keen
But sprouted deals
Invaded by the chief’s kin
And case handled so seal
Then charged no sin
Dimmed within

Where is the ground?
Where true firm words are found?
Well, everybody knows
It’s beyond acts of deals.

I think the poem could benefit from more punctuation. The word choice is generally pretty creative, with the whole "chief" thing, but I don't understand the content much. What are "acts of deals"?

As far as rhyming, I think the poem would benefit from either rhyming the entire thing in couplets, or just free versing it entirely.

Also a couple questions, which I hope will not deem this off-topic.

off topic comments deleted. /mod

Also with the poem, try to clarify phrases like "case handled so seal" and "grew to character". I don't really know what those mean.

Acts of deals
It is generally about a society with I'll practices majorly corruption. Corruption in leadership and judicial system.
The phrase " Acts of Deals" I chose to use it because of the common terms used by corrupt men and women around "let's make a deal" in this context it is totally not according to rules and regulations in alocation of funds for health and education projects, tenders or opportunities. These privileges are given to people who knows someone in the committee.

Case handled so seal.
This means when there is a case in the court involving a prominent politicians it will be covered off media, well it used to be like that. But still there is still blackout on certain judicial matters.

Well it grew to character
Most of the young population don't have good role models around, the only thing they have learnt from there elders is how to survive using corruption. They grow up knowing bribing is a way to seal a deal you need so much. Although it is being discouraged, what is happening is totally opposite. Currption has been made part of survival instinct.

I will be working to achieve complete regular rhyming.

[tectak]

ACTS OF DEAL
Dare not, whisper to chief.
Well everybody knows
Greed took firm of crowns
It’s a mischief
That drove us out of Eden

It’s cold darkness
Shine not
‘Cause it’s a ray
That dims within

The untold forbidden
Were open secrets, just hidden
In scattered files and minds of fathers
Well, it grew to character.

The jury so keen
But sprouted deals
Invaded by the chief’s kin
And case handled so seal
Then charged no sin
Dimmed within

Where is the ground?
Where true firm words are found?
Well, everybody knows
It’s beyond acts of deals.

Hi barb,
This is posted in novice forum but I do believe there is an elephant in the room. Someone has to say this and it may as well be me. It does not make any sense at all, by any definition. At my best guess you wrote something down in plain english then took every word to the Thesaurus and found what you mistakenly thought was a synonym or at least had an alternative but distantly derived meaning. I cannot imagine why anyone would do this unless they were under the naive impression that no one would notice. Even your "explanation" is hidden in a downpour of gobbledygook but very tellingly DOES contain spelling mistakes and interesting variations in grammar and syntax. I can offer no solution to your problem until you 'fess up and indicate by return in a plain brown envelope what it is that you want.

Here are the options. Tick where applicable:
Grammar, use of.
Words, meaning of.
Syntax, construction of.
Punctuation, necessity of.
Meter, purpose of.
Rhyme, option of.
Metaphor, clarification by.

There is a feeling that your grasp of english is tenuous to say the least but as you make no spelling mistakes in the poem and have lapsed at least once into vernacular ('cause but NOT coz) I am unconvinced that it is a "first language" issue UNLESS my initial thinking above is correct. In either case, you need help to make something worthy out of this "gibberish" (quote A. N. Other).
In that, I wish you well and a speedy recovery should you be suffering from some undisclosed medical condition.
Best,
tectak