01-11-2015, 08:22 AM
(01-11-2015, 07:32 AM)Erthona Wrote: Tom,Hey,Dale, you should read more
you are such as ass some times. Not in regards to this poem, but to your bitchy like replies (I actually I only read one, but I know how you can be), I don't think one "good egg" absolves of ten fuck you. How many would you suggestbut who's counting? Granted, one would think that it would be easy enough to understand that Mohammed symbolizes Islam, and that the epitaph of "sneaking thief" which could apply literally to Mohammed, applies figuratively to Islam. I should think it is clear enough that it needs no changes.
I don't know how I missed this one. You should inform me whenever you post a poem as you know how I look forward to eviscerating themWell, into the breach, and other military cliches.
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Your rhyme pattern as well as your line count is all over the place, huh? Oh, yeah...over metered. Got itso we'll make it simple and call it iambic free verse with incidental rhyme, that way I need not comment on what otherwise would be mistakes: no mistakes, no comments. This leaves me free to make off the top of the head comments and snide remarks about your snide poem.
" a million heads turn round." A bit of a under estimate I would think. Just the current number of Christians is 2.4 billion persons. Eureka! You give me two points for one. One cannot call to 1 million, even less to 2.4 billion. I was going for the local but ended up global. My slip. Further, by emphasising the multiplicity of choice in the christian name selection, the infestation of saints, I get a neat contrast between that choice and that of the limited muslim. Thanks. Alliteration better, too. One would suspect it would be many times that if put within the historical timeline as you seem to do. If you mean to refer to an event like the Crucifixion, I didn't one would have to estimate at best a hundred and in reality less than half of that. So with the million mark in association with the heads turn around, either literally or figuratively it really doesn't seem to apply to much of anything without a stretch, or if one were looking at it with a lack of knowledge, that a large portion of the world lives their daily lives with, or without if you will. You could be looking at such through their eyes, but it does not seem a very effective device. Your poem, as you say. I hope that the "million" reference is out of ignorance..Peanuts cartoon. Lynus "I bet there's a million, gillion, zillion grains of sand on all the beaches in all the world.". Charlie Brown, after a pensive delay, " I bet there isn't".
"No John, or David, Pete or Mat" This to me seems a cheap attempt at humor, I think it is beneath you. Not beneath me, but definitely beneath you. Kind of funny sandwich filling, then. Yes, it is cheap. I struggled here
"Though saints infest the West, the East protects the sneaking thief"
Despite that this is seven feet of iambs, it still reads awkwardly to me. I can appreciate the internal rhyme of "infest" and "west," and the idea of a saint infestation is very humorous. Good catch. It is the pause caused by that bloody righteous comma. Read it shorter. I have to.
I thought stanza dos had a lot of words for the little it actually said. I am being generous and assuming the time you are referring to is somehow related to the Abrahamic religions, or just poorly played hyperbole. Either way it seems to do little to move the poem along or for comic relief. This line "a mystery made secret by your place of birth" makes little sense as no such thing is in evidence. Whether referring to one of the big three Abraham, Jesus, or Muhammad, or any of the three religions, taken seriously, satirically, or comically, I can find no foothold in meaning. ...and with one bound he was free...Nor can I find any sense in it. It is a senseless subject, open to ignorant questions (mine et al), written senselessly as is moot, and even titled with a question. There was, however, some thought in the womb-pop line. The Israel/Palestine issue has become hopelessly transferred polemically in to a border dispute...it is a mystery often used as the basis for low grade war crimes...kill your enemy who was not born in your country. If you want to survive in a hostile place, deny your place of birth. That is all
What follows could easily apply to Islam's Jihadist, and Christian Martyrs and thus echos the first stanza line: "that steals her sons from thoughtful life"
"the young treat death as blessed demise to trade for early paradise; and everlasting dreams."
Those are some nicely written lines. Thanks. They are probably encapsulates. The rest, as they say, is history
"in black Iraq," the "in black" is purely there for the meter and nothing else, do not even try to deny it. I deny it thus:
It alliterates, it represents the black appareil of the ISIS(L) phenomena, it contras the "sunny places" (do not even go there...sunnY I said), and it is an expression of sadness that a country is going through a "black" phase in its evolution. Yes, I really did think like this as I wrote the words...As far as I can discern this construction of yours " black Iraq" is just that, your construction, as this fantasy exists no where outside your poem except in reference to "black Iraqis," or the "black market" in Iraq. That is to say the term appears totally without definition to the outside world. Although I like the feel and the look of it, I cannot abide that it has absolutely no meaning.
" to glorify a Lord." This seems a bit odd. That is to say, it makes one pause to consider. Considering it seems you are dealing exclusively with the Abrahamic religions and they all worship the same "God" (I'll not explain this as I know you know), I think if you must, it would probably have a sharper point to say, "to glorify a Faith," Excellent, excellent, excellent catch and solution...I cannot see how I missed it. Credited change as it is the difference in religion that causes the problem as Muslims worship the same "God" as Abraham worshiped. It is the religion that has decided to name him "Allah" and accept that as the only legitimate name. Precisely so So I think "Faith" (I capitalize as it means the entire religion, not the generic term "faith".) would hit closes to home and drip more satiric acid, as the first does nothing. Done. Thanks
The alliteration in the last line can not save you from going off meter, and what would have been a fairly strong idea to end on becomes weak.
I knew through Shakespeare that Hell had fury, or was it no fury, but I never knew Hell had hands (alliteration is not always pretty). Honest excuse? I didn't want to bring in another fictional character. It was the devil's hands originally. Thoughts? Regardless, between the blown meter, and hell being given hands this pretty much puts the coffin nail into your ending. A pity as it is a very good idea, to bad you stabbed it in its sleep. "Good night sweet Prince" Hal now brown caul! Oh my gods you have infected my with all saints disease. I best drink a cup of all spice immediately to expel it from out my body. I write cannot. Spice, spice is nice... So you liked it when it stopped...?
all in text responses written later and soberly
Dale
Strictly AABCCB is an old favourite. That was my sniper shot to the ankle. I see your PM but can barely see the fuckin' screen right now. I will get back.Anyway ,events have rather overtaken this piece...accepting that the sun never sets on the french because god doesn't trust them in the dark there may be another verse to follow.
Evisceration is good for the soul...lingua in maxillam.
Best,
tectak[/b]