Sonnet First Draft

[Leah S.]

His wife, as thin and tensioned as a wire,
Gets woozy when the needles puncture him.
She jerked and left, her spine a rod of ire,
Because I touched his tubes; her mouth went grim;

And pacing in the hall, she looked for aid,
From anyone professionally trained.
She turned, and God, her face was like a blade!
Her whole demeanor timid rage restrained.

How could I tell her now about the past?
I taught him what I know of Bushido,
In face of fear to hold his courage fast,
No matter how unfair, to face his foe.

He was my student, but he taught me more.
I won't hold on to all that came before.

[tectak]

His wife, as thin and tensioned as a wire,
Gets woozy when the needles puncture him. Why capitalise the first word of the line. Retro. This opening sentence is attractive...don't break it with pseudo-poetic devices; and don't blame microsoft
She jerked and left, her spine a rod of ire,
Because I touched his tubes; her mouth went grim; These last two lines are a sentence. Periods end sentences, not semicolons. You most certainly do NOT require a semicolon after "tubes". That is plain silly and cannot be justified but you are now in such a muddle of squiggly marks it is hard to know what goes with what.Punctuate to clarity by less colonic discharge. By the by, if this is determined to be a sonnet you do not have to seperate the stanzas.

And pacing in the hall, she looked for aid, No to the "and". Very weak. There are plenty of work arounds. You are skilled enough to find your own.
From anyone professionally trained. capital f again
She turned, and God, her face was like a blade! this is the weakest line in the piece. I has many problems, not the least is the lack of veracity due to the vernacular slide, followed by the rhyme forcing. Interlinked methinks....also, you are running out of time to get this to a sonnet close and it shows.
Her whole demeanor timid rage restrained.

How could I tell her now about the past?
I taught him what I know of Bushido,
In face of fear to hold his courage fast,
No matter how unfair, to face his foe. Yes, awkward syntax...you are rushing to the finish line.

He was my student, but he taught me more.
I won't hold on to all that came before. Collapses breathlessly

Hi leah,
Good and bad. Easily improved. You barely need advice...you can see what needs doing. Try and have a day or two without semicolons and see how you feel. Drink plenty of water.
Best,
tectak

[just mercedes]

His wife, as thin and tensioned as a wire,
Gets woozy when the needles puncture him.
She jerked and left, her spine a rod of ire, confusion of tenses here - present to past
Because I touched his tubes; her mouth went grim;

And pacing in the hall, she looked for aid,
From anyone professionally trained.
She turned, and God, her face was like a blade! the exclamation doesn't work for me
Her whole demeanor timid rage restrained. is timid the right word here?


How could I tell her now about the past?
I taught him what I know of Bushido,
In face of fear to hold his courage fast,
No matter how unfair, to face his foe. nice sonics, but the word order inversion, to make the end line rhyme, feels intrusive

He was my student, but he taught me more.
I won't hold on to all that came before. I think you need a stronger end couplet

A difficult subject, and you've tackled it well. Just needs a little more work - thanks for posting. Sonnets are a difficult form.

[Leah S.]

His wife, as thin and tensioned as a wire,
Gets woozy when the needles puncture him. Why capitalise the first word of the line. Retro. This opening sentence is attractive...don't break it with pseudo-poetic devices; and don't blame microsoft
She jerked and left, her spine a rod of ire,
Because I touched his tubes; her mouth went grim; These last two lines are a sentence. Periods end sentences,  not semicolons. You most certainly do NOT require a semicolon after "tubes". That is plain silly and cannot be justified but you are now in such a muddle of squiggly marks it is hard to know what goes with what.Punctuate to clarity by less colonic discharge. By the by, if this is determined to be a sonnet you do not have to seperate  the stanzas.

And pacing in the hall, she looked for aid, No to the "and". Very weak. There are plenty of work arounds. You are skilled enough to find your own.
From anyone professionally trained. capital f again
She turned, and God, her face was like a blade! this is the weakest line in the piece. I has many problems, not the least is  the lack of veracity due to the vernacular slide, followed by the rhyme forcing. Interlinked methinks....also, you are running out of time to get this to a sonnet close and it shows.
Her whole demeanor timid rage restrained.

How could I tell her now about the past?
I taught him what I know of Bushido,
In face of fear to hold his courage fast,
No matter how unfair, to face his foe. Yes, awkward syntax...you  are rushing to the finish line.

He was my student, but he taught me more.
I won't hold on to all that came before. Collapses breathlessly

Hi leah,
Good and bad. Easily improved. You barely need advice...you can see what needs doing. Try and have a day or two without semicolons and see how you feel. Drink plenty of water.
Best,
tectak