Love's illusion

[ThePen]

Love's illusion

I sat on high, above the earth, in the night sky.
We were weaving and dreaming, giving birth from the mind.
She came to me, as if she were wrought purely from my fantasy.
For I had said that woman is made of man's dreams.
I didn't really think that I was being extreme, and so I let my mind wander.
As I watched her dance to my beats, my heart grew ever fonder.
Sure enough it wasn't long before she was the hottest, a treat, and yes as a Goddess.
I poured into her my love and all my power, and she stood there on my black diamond tower.
As a dream come true.
Like a fool I had given her my entire rule, and allowed her to dream my dream.
Then a snake popped up from the ground and said in its hissing sound, "that girl is not what she seems."
And like a tool I wondered, and the sky thundered, and in my eyes my love sundered.
For at that moment of my doubt love's waters had turned into drought.
For I did not know if love was real, and I let that snake steal.
My love and life away from me.

Your poetry is telling a story of love and fantasy. The first part of the poem describing the woman is probably the most consistent.
I can sense that the woman is "made of man's dreams", which is a beautiful way of stating her beauty. The story progresses. At first, the presence of the snake seems a bit incongruous for the poem. And then I realize that there is a level of fantasy and of imagination involved.

The best line is probably "And like a tool I wondered, and the sky thundered, and in my eyes my love sundered."

However, your poem does not seem to have a focused rhyme scheme. Also, I think that your sentences are too long. Perhaps, you can shorten them by splitting them in two verses?

Also, I think that your language seems a bit uneven. Maybe work on making it a bit more poetic. I do not really like the words "popped up from the ground". You could say: "sprung from the ground". Also, the term "tool" could stand to be improved upon.