01-06-2015, 01:51 AM
I sat on high, above the earth, in the night sky.
(Sat on high what? In the night sky? You sat in the night sky?)
We were weaving and dreaming, giving birth from
the mind.
She came to me, as if she were wrought purely
from my fantasy. (good line)
For I had said that woman is made of man's
dreams. (just a suggestion, how about removing"i had said"?)
I didn't really think that I was being extreme, and
so I let my mind wander. (i didn't really think sounds a weak phrase to me)
As I watched her dance to my beats, my heart
grew ever fonder. (Heart grew fonder is cliche)
Sure enough it wasn't long before she was the
hottest, a treat, and yes as a Goddess.
I poured into her my love and all my power, and
she stood there on my black diamond tower. (where did a black diamond tower come from?)
As a dream come true.
Like a fool I had given her my entire rule, and
allowed her to dream my dream.
Then a snake popped up from the ground and
said in its hissing sound, "that girl is not what
she seems." (do we really need a snake here?)
And like a tool I wondered, and the sky thundered,
and in my eyes my love sundered. (wondered like a tool? perhaps you felt like a tool, been used by her or something?)
For at that moment of my doubt love's waters
had turned into drought. (good expression)
For I did not know if love was real, and I let that
snake steal.
My love and life away from me.
First, it's all opinions and you don't have to accept them.
This poem did convey the central idea, love, passion and betrayal. But also left some confusion, the black diamond tower and snake perhaps some metaphors but i didn't feel they go well with this poem.
And as a reviewer has pointed out, too many commas and longs. Also few cliches. Other than that this poem has potential and did create a mood.
One more thing, I'll point out an inappropriate line break:
For I did not know if love was real, and I let that
snake steal.
My love and life away from me.
You close the line after steal but the idea completes in the next line
For I did not know if love was real, and I let that
snake steal
my love and life away from me.
or perhaps
I did not know if love was real, (too many'For' already)
I let that snake steal my love and life away from me.
(Sat on high what? In the night sky? You sat in the night sky?)
We were weaving and dreaming, giving birth from
the mind.
She came to me, as if she were wrought purely
from my fantasy. (good line)
For I had said that woman is made of man's
dreams. (just a suggestion, how about removing"i had said"?)
I didn't really think that I was being extreme, and
so I let my mind wander. (i didn't really think sounds a weak phrase to me)
As I watched her dance to my beats, my heart
grew ever fonder. (Heart grew fonder is cliche)
Sure enough it wasn't long before she was the
hottest, a treat, and yes as a Goddess.
I poured into her my love and all my power, and
she stood there on my black diamond tower. (where did a black diamond tower come from?)
As a dream come true.
Like a fool I had given her my entire rule, and
allowed her to dream my dream.
Then a snake popped up from the ground and
said in its hissing sound, "that girl is not what
she seems." (do we really need a snake here?)
And like a tool I wondered, and the sky thundered,
and in my eyes my love sundered. (wondered like a tool? perhaps you felt like a tool, been used by her or something?)
For at that moment of my doubt love's waters
had turned into drought. (good expression)
For I did not know if love was real, and I let that
snake steal.
My love and life away from me.
First, it's all opinions and you don't have to accept them.
This poem did convey the central idea, love, passion and betrayal. But also left some confusion, the black diamond tower and snake perhaps some metaphors but i didn't feel they go well with this poem.
And as a reviewer has pointed out, too many commas and longs. Also few cliches. Other than that this poem has potential and did create a mood.
One more thing, I'll point out an inappropriate line break:
For I did not know if love was real, and I let that
snake steal.
My love and life away from me.
You close the line after steal but the idea completes in the next line
For I did not know if love was real, and I let that
snake steal
my love and life away from me.
or perhaps
I did not know if love was real, (too many'For' already)
I let that snake steal my love and life away from me.