01-03-2015, 02:26 PM
Somnium,
Some thoughts:
Line 1: The rhythm is a bit halting with 2 commas, but flows so much better in the next line, Maybe remove one?
Line 2: I really like the line "giving birth from the mind" and think it is a great way to say that the subjects are sharing their thoughts with each other.
Line 6: I totally see this line in my mind, not sure why, but I like it.
Line 8: What is a "black diamond tower" ? It makes the line a bit long, and messes with the flow. Would "diamond tower" work?
Line 11: Again, a long line that messes with flow, and we know snakes hiss...maybe shorten it by changing it to "Then a snake popped up from the ground and hissed, "that girl is not what she seems."
Line 13: remove "my" from doubt
Line 14/15: I really enjoy the flow of these two lines, and I feel like you've ended the poem in a way that sums up the "story" as it were. As something I constantly struggle to do, I'm impressed. One thing, though, is I wish there weren't a period at the end of line 14.
Other thoughts: As a reader, I stop at each period. If you want the reader to flow between lines, then the periods should be removed, or turned to commas. If you want the reader to stop, then leave as is.
I'm no expert, so ignore any suggestion that doesn't sound true to you.
-ShoottheStar25
Some thoughts:
Line 1: The rhythm is a bit halting with 2 commas, but flows so much better in the next line, Maybe remove one?
Line 2: I really like the line "giving birth from the mind" and think it is a great way to say that the subjects are sharing their thoughts with each other.
Line 6: I totally see this line in my mind, not sure why, but I like it.
Line 8: What is a "black diamond tower" ? It makes the line a bit long, and messes with the flow. Would "diamond tower" work?
Line 11: Again, a long line that messes with flow, and we know snakes hiss...maybe shorten it by changing it to "Then a snake popped up from the ground and hissed, "that girl is not what she seems."
Line 13: remove "my" from doubt
Line 14/15: I really enjoy the flow of these two lines, and I feel like you've ended the poem in a way that sums up the "story" as it were. As something I constantly struggle to do, I'm impressed. One thing, though, is I wish there weren't a period at the end of line 14.
Other thoughts: As a reader, I stop at each period. If you want the reader to flow between lines, then the periods should be removed, or turned to commas. If you want the reader to stop, then leave as is.
I'm no expert, so ignore any suggestion that doesn't sound true to you.
-ShoottheStar25
-ShootTheStar25
I shall not live in vain.
I shall not live in vain.