12-22-2014, 04:56 AM
You say "rotten", "egg", and "sky" twice in the first two lines. One word being repeated can be excusable, but it ruins the flow and readability of the poem in this case. Your verbs are pretty weak; you used "is cracked", "drops", "cracks", and "gives way". Considering this is (presumably) about lightening, I'd use more hard-hitting words. The way it's written now makes me imagine yellow gunk slowly oozing and dripping out of the sky, not a thunderstorm. The passive voice in the first line doesn't work very well. Saying that "a whip cracks" is a cliche, and since this is a small poem, you should definitely avoid cliches.
I'm assuming that in the third and fourth lines you're alluding to the Aztec deity of lightning "giving way" to the Greek cyclops, Brontes (whose name means thunder, I think). This doesn't really work. While Aztec mythology was still going strong when Aztec and European culture collided, Greek mythology was all but fairy tales. I do think I see what you're trying to do: you're saying that Xolotl, lighting, disappears before Brontes, thunder, shows up. It would be really cool if the two symbols were realistic besides each other, but they aren't. Xolotl wasn't recognized until long after Brontes was a "thing", and by the time there was a concept of Xolotl, Brontes was just a part of random ancient paganism that the current Europeans rejected.
I think you could end in a more powerful way than "soul-shaking sounds". The word "sounds", even when paired with adjectives, doesn't come with much meaning and makes for a weak finish. Choose a word that focuses specifically on the power of thunder or on the temporary peace after the thunder booms.
I'm assuming that in the third and fourth lines you're alluding to the Aztec deity of lightning "giving way" to the Greek cyclops, Brontes (whose name means thunder, I think). This doesn't really work. While Aztec mythology was still going strong when Aztec and European culture collided, Greek mythology was all but fairy tales. I do think I see what you're trying to do: you're saying that Xolotl, lighting, disappears before Brontes, thunder, shows up. It would be really cool if the two symbols were realistic besides each other, but they aren't. Xolotl wasn't recognized until long after Brontes was a "thing", and by the time there was a concept of Xolotl, Brontes was just a part of random ancient paganism that the current Europeans rejected.
I think you could end in a more powerful way than "soul-shaking sounds". The word "sounds", even when paired with adjectives, doesn't come with much meaning and makes for a weak finish. Choose a word that focuses specifically on the power of thunder or on the temporary peace after the thunder booms.