The wind beckons the high branch

[Kubla Khan]

The wind beckons the high branch


The wind beckons the high branch
Which awakens the shadow below-
Who with sharp beams of grainy yellow-light
Begins a checkered dance cadenced slow.

The sun-drenched day and long warmth
Fade to a serene twilight of brilliant, lucid gray;
The sepia sunlight with the pale, glowing ether
And dreary, lifeless air conjoin to close the day.

But the spiraling, spangled night brings new animation
With invigorating wind and the Moon's liveliest glow,
Which together in chaste wanton swirl through silvery canopies-
As the filtered moonlight dances with the shadows.





I'll profess I'm not so good with punctuation, so there may be errors there. And my meter, or Rhythm, are almost always off so I expect that as well.
This is a first draft, and there is most likely to be revisions made because there are other descriptive words I would like to include in it.
I actually kind of like this poem, whereas most things I write I don't.

On the last line I chose "filtered moonlight," I thought at first to have it "white-light" instead of moonlight to allude back to the first stanza, thoughts on that?
And I know, explaining something isn't supposed to be good, but "filtered" was used to reference the moonlight being a reflection of the sun, as if the moon acts as a filter. Just wondering if anyone caught that or if it was too opaque.
I was also thinking of using "checkered moonlight" as well as an allusion to the first stanza. Thoughts on that?

Thanks for reading

[Kubla Khan]

Last line, I think is going to go:

As the filtered moonbeams dance with the shadows.

[tectak]

The wind beckons the high branch


The wind beckons the high branch
Which awakens the shadow below- Why have you capitalised "Which". Do you know? I do not. What is the dash for? Do you know? I do not
Who with sharp beams of grainy yellow-lightWhy have you capitalised "Who". Do you know? I do not. Who IS who? Who refers to a person. Who is this person.You do not say. Is grainy a descriptor of colour? No. So it describes the light. Grainy sharp?
Begins a checkered dance cadenced slow. Why have you capitalised "begins". Do you know? I do not. The inversion in this last line is a horrendous victim of the need to rhyme. Change it, especially as you have no rhyme scheme!

Note. Capitalising line starts is retro, pseudo-poetic, pointless and confusing. It was never a good idea which is why it largely faded out over 50years ago. Learn to punctuate to clarity. You will get help on this site. Read your work out loud and "hear" where you need to pause. Don't play with dashes -either  emm or enn - until you understand when to use them.

The sun-drenched day and long warmth sun drenched cIiche
Fade to a serene twilight of brilliant, lucid gray; bright and serene seem contra
The sepia sunlight with the pale, glowing ether Over -poetic and wordy. Is it grey or sepia? Has it faded or is it still bright? In fact, how the hell does something fade in to brightness. It is an unholy mess.
And dreary, lifeless air conjoin to close the day. Conjoining of  abstracts is an interesting hobby...milo would argue that ether is not an abstract but I would say try to hold it Conjoining with dreary is just as difficult conceptually

But the spiraling, spangled night brings new animation
With invigorating wind and the Moon's liveliest glow,
Which together in chaste wanton swirl through silvery canopies-
As the filtered moonlight dances with the shadows. Aaaaaarrrrrgggggh to this whole stanza and that is putting it mildly as fitting in this forum. This is verbal vomit...calm down. You are infatuated with the words and not caring of anything else. Punctuate to clarity....be clear in metaphor. A metaphor should clarify and this often means simplification. I can "see" all of your images, for that we should both be commended, but clean it up. To many modifiers block the flow of the piece, causing the reader to become out of step with whatever vestige of rhythm you have incorporated. Your biggest problem is your breathless prose. Stop. Breathe in. Breathe out. This stanza is so extended by your endless exhalation- but, with, which, as- that one would think that your death was imminent




I'll profess I'm not so good with punctuation, so there may be errors there. And my meter, or Rhythm, are almost always off so I expect that as well. Who needs crit
This is a first draft, and there is are most likely to be revisions made because there are other descriptive words I would like to include in it. NO, NO....for Pete's sake NO
I actually kind of like this poem, whereas most things I write I don't.

On the last line I chose "filtered moonlight," I thought at first to have it "white-light" instead of moonlight  to allude back to the first stanza, thoughts on that? I have no idea what you are asking
And I know, explaining something isn't supposed to be good, but "filtered" was used to reference the moonlight being a reflection of the sun, as if the moon acts as a filter. It doesn't. It acts as a reflectorJust wondering if anyone caught that or if it was too opaque. Huh?
I was also thinking of using "checkered moonlight" as well as an allusion to the first stanza. Thoughts on that? You are in danger of becoming pretentious. Say no more!
Calm down and carry on,
Best,
tectak

Thanks for reading

[Kubla Khan]

Before anything else, I'm on an iPod and it capitalizes automatically after a new paragraph.

[ellajam]

Before anything else, I'm on an iPod and it capitalizes automatically after a new paragraph.

Check keyboard settings, you should be able to disable autocaps.

But still, if a piece is posted in the workshops, it should be the best the poster is able to get it. If you want the caps at every line that's your choice but if not you would need to edit it when posting. Effort is a good thing.

[Kubla Khan]

Thank you for your reply

[Brownlie]

One of the quickest fixes is to get rid of any inversion, which I think has already been mentioned here.

The wind beckons the high branch


The wind beckons the high branch -- I would focus on the actual detail of how the wind interacts with the branch.
Which awakens the shadow below-- The rhythm/meter seems off here.
Who with sharp beams of grainy yellow-light
Begins a checkered dance cadenced slow. -- There is something kind of cool here, but cadenced slow detracts from it for two reasons: one, it saps the power of a description that didn't need any more explaining; and two, there's a cheesy inversion there. (Not sure if I used the super commas right just now.)


The sun-drenched day and long warmth -- Sun-drenched and long warmth are essentially the same thing. However, sun-drenched arguably sets up a metaphor.
Fade to a serene twilight of brilliant, lucid gray; -- Too many adjectives. In my opinion, serene and brilliant are sapping the word twilight here.
The sepia sunlight with the pale, glowing ether -- Well, I suppose you could use sepia to make the day seem like an old photograph or something (old photos are hot with English people). You get the sibilance and what-not, but I'm not sure you need all these descriptors.
And dreary, lifeless air conjoin to close the day. -You definitely do not need dreary and lifeless.


But the spiraling, spangled night brings new animation -- To me, and this is just my opinion, too much sound without sense can act like a bad sweetener and you're left with a mellow cup sundae or something. Two adjectives and some sibilance seems too much to me.
With invigorating wind and the Moon's liveliest glow,
Which together in chaste wanton swirl through silvery canopies --  I believe the wanton moonlight is a trope, and you have a paradox here. However, this is too rich with "poetical language." I'm sure silver canopy has been used before. This is not to say you can't get away with dipping in the cup a little, but this whole line seems to rely on the poetical essence.
As the filtered moonlight dances with the shadows. -- I would say sunlight instead of moonlight. The moon has no light. However, the filtering is neat.



I'll profess I'm not so good with punctuation, so there may be errors there. And my meter, or Rhythm, are almost always off so I expect that as well.
This is a first draft, and there is most likely to be revisions made because there are other descriptive words I would like to include in it.
I actually kind of like this poem, whereas most things I write I don't.

On the last line I chose "filtered moonlight," I thought at first to have it "white-light" instead of moonlight  to allude back to the first stanza, thoughts on that?
And I know, explaining something isn't supposed to be good, but "filtered" was used to reference the moonlight being a reflection of the sun, as if the moon acts as a filter. Just wondering if anyone caught that or if it was too opaque.
I was also thinking of using "checkered moonlight" as well as an allusion to the first stanza. Thoughts on that?

Thanks for reading

Well, I'm no Sean Connery playing E.M. Forster, but I am possibly a guy playing Sean Connery and I'll give you my opinion (by the way, that means I'm crazy). There's some cool stuff, but the idea should be expressed more succinctly

[Kubla Khan]

One of the quickest fixes is to get rid of any inversion, which I think has already been mentioned here.

The wind beckons the high branch


The wind beckons the high branch -- I would focus on the actual detail of how the wind interacts with the branch. that's valid, but these first two lines are probably my favorite of the whole poem.
Which awakens the shadow below-- The rhythm/meter seems off here.
Who with sharp beams of grainy yellow-light
Begins a checkered dance cadenced slow. -- There is something kind of cool here, but cadenced slow detracts from it for two reasons: one, it saps the power of a description that didn't need any more explaining; and two, there's a cheesy inversion there. (Not sure if I used the super commas right just now.)
thanks about it being cool, but in my opinon is an understatement :p
Just kidding. But I really wanted to keep the 2nd and 4th lines of the stanzas rhyming, writing it I had a little issue with the inversion, but I wanted to make a rhyme, dawg.

The sun-drenched day and long warmth -- Sun-drenched and long warmth are essentially the same thing. However, sun-drenched arguably sets up a metaphor.
Fade to a serene twilight of brilliant, lucid gray; -- Too many adjectives. In my opinion, serene and brilliant are sapping the word twilight here.I can see this. Maybe "Fade to a twilight serene and lucid gray?"
The sepia sunlight with the pale, glowing ether -- Well, I suppose you could use sepia to make the day seem like an old photograph or something (old photos are hot with English people). You get the sibilance and what-not, but I'm not sure you need all these descriptors. This is the line I have most fault with. I did intend to use sepia as a reference of an old photo, but as tictak stated it detracted from it being gray. I was thinking of condensing it to "The pale sunlight with the glowing ether
And dreary, lifeless air conjoin to close the day. -You definitely do not need dreary and lifeless.
I really wanted to give the reader the impression that the air was stilled and uncirculating. I wanted it to import a day when it seems there is no air outside, if that makes sense. It's still hard for me to describe it. It's like the air is sterile, an absence of air.

But the spiraling, spangled night brings new animation -- To me, and this is just my opinion, too much sound without sense can act like a bad sweetener and you're left with a mellow cup sundae or something. Two adjectives and some sibilance seems too much to me.  I had some debate about this. But as you can probably tell I prioritize imagery and prettiness above most everything else. I wanted to evoke the image of spiraling galaxies
With invigorating wind and the Moon's liveliest glow,
Which together in chaste wanton swirl through silvery canopies --  I believe the wanton moonlight is a trope, and you have a paradox here. However, this is too rich with "poetical language." I'm sure silver canopy has been used before. This is not to say you can't get away with dipping in the cup a little, but this whole line seems to rely on the poetical essence. I mentioned poetical essence to Dale and he seemed to not know what I was talking about. You get it... lol
I really endeavored to fill it with poetical language and rich imagery. Guess it was too much.
But no mention of "invigorating wind?" You know when the wind is so fresh you, dare I say, become invigorated by it? I thought that was brilliant on my part... Not really
As the filtered moonlight dances with the shadows. -- I would say sunlight instead of moonlight. The moon has no light. However, the filtering is neat. I really like this idea. Potentially what I will use. Thank you, fren.



I'll profess I'm not so good with punctuation, so there may be errors there. And my meter, or Rhythm, are almost always off so I expect that as well.
This is a first draft, and there is most likely to be revisions made because there are other descriptive words I would like to include in it.
I actually kind of like this poem, whereas most things I write I don't.

On the last line I chose "filtered moonlight," I thought at first to have it "white-light" instead of moonlight  to allude back to the first stanza, thoughts on that?
And I know, explaining something isn't supposed to be good, but "filtered" was used to reference the moonlight being a reflection of the sun, as if the moon acts as a filter. Just wondering if anyone caught that or if it was too opaque.
I was also thinking of using "checkered moonlight" as well as an allusion to the first stanza. Thoughts on that?

Thanks for reading

Well, I'm no Sean Connery playing E.M. Forster, but I am possibly a guy playing Sean Connery and I'll give you my opinion (by the way, that means I'm crazy). There's some cool stuff, but the idea should be expressed more succinctly

Lol at possibly a guy playing Sean Connery.
Thank you for the critique. And yeah, I would probably have to rank this poem as one of the top 7 greatest of all time.  
I have no idea what that emoticon means, but it looks ripe of phallic innuendo. No homo intended.

[tectak]

One of the quickest fixes is to get rid of any inversion, which I think has already been mentioned here.

The wind beckons the high branch


The wind beckons the high branch -- I would focus on the actual detail of how the wind interacts with the branch. that's valid, but these first two lines are probably my favorite of the whole poem.
Which awakens the shadow below-- The rhythm/meter seems off here.
Who with sharp beams of grainy yellow-light
Begins a checkered dance cadenced slow. -- There is something kind of cool here, but cadenced slow detracts from it for two reasons: one, it saps the power of a description that didn't need any more explaining; and two, there's a cheesy inversion there. (Not sure if I used the super commas right just now.)
thanks about it being cool, but in my opinon is an understatement :p
Just kidding. But I really wanted to keep the 2nd and 4th lines of the stanzas rhyming, writing it I had a little issue with the inversion, but I wanted to make a rhyme, dawg.

The sun-drenched day and long warmth -- Sun-drenched and long warmth are essentially the same thing. However, sun-drenched arguably sets up a metaphor.
Fade to a serene twilight of brilliant, lucid gray; -- Too many adjectives. In my opinion, serene and brilliant are sapping the word twilight here.I can see this. Maybe "Fade to a twilight serene and lucid gray?"
The sepia sunlight with the pale, glowing ether -- Well, I suppose you could use sepia to make the day seem like an old photograph or something (old photos are hot with English people). You get the sibilance and what-not, but I'm not sure you need all these descriptors. This is the line I have most fault with. I did intend to use sepia as a reference of an old photo, but as tictak stated it detracted from it being gray. I was thinking of condensing it to "The pale sunlight with the glowing ether
And dreary, lifeless air conjoin to close the day. -You definitely do not need dreary and lifeless.
I really wanted to give the reader the impression that the air was stilled and uncirculating. I wanted it to import a day when it seems there is no air outside, if that makes sense. It's still hard for me to describe it. It's like the air is sterile, an absence of air.

But the spiraling, spangled night brings new animation -- To me, and this is just my opinion, too much sound without sense can act like a bad sweetener and you're left with a mellow cup sundae or something. Two adjectives and some sibilance seems too much to me.  I had some debate about this. But as you can probably tell I prioritize imagery and prettiness above most everything else. I wanted to evoke the image of spiraling galaxies
With invigorating wind and the Moon's liveliest glow,
Which together in chaste wanton swirl through silvery canopies --  I believe the wanton moonlight is a trope, and you have a paradox here. However, this is too rich with "poetical language." I'm sure silver canopy has been used before. This is not to say you can't get away with dipping in the cup a little, but this whole line seems to rely on the poetical essence. I mentioned poetical essence to Dale and he seemed to not know what I was talking about. You get it... lol
I really endeavored to fill it with poetical language and rich imagery. Guess it was too much.
But no mention of "invigorating wind?" You know when the wind is so fresh you, dare I say, become invigorated by it? I thought that was brilliant on my part... Not really
As the filtered moonlight dances with the shadows. -- I would say sunlight instead of moonlight. The moon has no light. However, the filtering is neat. I really like this idea. Potentially what I will use. Thank you, fren.



I'll profess I'm not so good with punctuation, so there may be errors there. And my meter, or Rhythm, are almost always off so I expect that as well.
This is a first draft, and there is most likely to be revisions made because there are other descriptive words I would like to include in it.
I actually kind of like this poem, whereas most things I write I don't.

On the last line I chose "filtered moonlight," I thought at first to have it "white-light" instead of moonlight  to allude back to the first stanza, thoughts on that?
And I know, explaining something isn't supposed to be good, but "filtered" was used to reference the moonlight being a reflection of the sun, as if the moon acts as a filter. Just wondering if anyone caught that or if it was too opaque.
I was also thinking of using "checkered moonlight" as well as an allusion to the first stanza. Thoughts on that?

Thanks for reading

Well, I'm no Sean Connery playing E.M. Forster, but I am possibly a guy playing Sean Connery and I'll give you my opinion (by the way, that means I'm crazy). There's some cool stuff, but the idea should be expressed more succinctly

Lol at possibly a guy playing Sean Connery.
Thank you for the critique. And yeah, I would probably have to rank this poem as one of the top 7 greatest of all time.  
I have no idea what that emoticon means, but it looks ripe of phallic innuendo. No homo intended.

It means lingua in maxillam and it is mine, all mine
tongue in cheeky
tectak