Love poems edit 1.0 leah S.0.0001 erthona

[tectak]

Ah an autobiography, splendid.

Por que, is the first line in eight, but the rest in seven? Otherwise this is simply ballad meter extended over two lines instead of broken up as four and three as any normal troubadour would do, but you have you always been a fawner to the French. Still, I know you heart means ill, so I will forgive you. Extra space in L2 between picture and glass. L5 you go off meter as the accented syllable is on the second syllable of cliche, not the first.
L3 already noted syntactical reversal.
L6 extra space between "flame  has"
L5 "cliche cry and claim," I can appreciate the alliteration here, but that is about all as cry and claim should precede cliche,as in "They cry and claim cliche." Then it actually makes sense. This is not something you would let pass in someone elses  poem, why then in yours?
L8 "another sense will heighten" what? or what is this "other" sense? There are five I believe. Smell, sight, touch, hearing, and taste. To which of these senses do you refer?
L9 You are no doubt a far greater grammarian than I, still this smells bad to me, is this some kind of British grammar?

"Embrace the words of those who loved"

Embrace the words of those who love. or "Embrace the words of those who have loved"

Ah this is a line worthy of you. "the endless searcher, thwarted soul, bereaved, bereft, alone;" Most excellent!

As always, your devoted serpent,


Dale

---

Oh, well, ice...will this suffice - price, spice, vise, advise, devise, entise, excise, suffice (I'm not going to write the whole damn line for you, that's your problem). There are of course more, but these seem the most likely. I do like paradise, but it looks to be difficult.

"Some say that love of words, though meant, will fail to hearts entice" This is only true, poets make terrible lovers, they will stop in the middle of sex to write a poem that just came into their silly heads, probably not even a very good one. Talk about coitus interruptus, or rather write about it, poets rarely have the opportunity to experience the fantasy they write about, if they did, they would never write about them.

The only problem with this poem, other than what has been pointed out, is it is more clever than biting. Evidently the writer has a soft spot for the loon and the endless searcher. Of course if the searcher is endless, he may as well stop now anyways.  

Your humble savant,


Dale

PS, Oh yes Tom, She meant the second part of the line being reversed "will fail to hearts entice", or at least I assume. That's rather poor, don't you think. The "love of words" and "words of love" is a very clever play, I don't think she meant that at all.

Thanks Dale. Sorted in edit.
English clee-shay....french clee-SHAY...Touche!
Extra spaces? Never notice them. White space rarely intentional.
Best,
tectak