12-21-2014, 01:08 AM
First, I like it. The following are quibbles:
L3 you're straining the rhyme by reversing the word order. Also, it seems unnecessary to say "hearts" when you are talking about one heart. "--ice" is an easy rhyme, I suggest revision.
L7 I was unsettled by the rhyme of "claim" with "pain." All your other rhymes are straightforward, with no other slant or internal rhymes. It seems the overall tone is facetious so I think you could replace either word with an exact rhyme without too much trouble.
L5/6 grammatical suggestion: change it to "You, who would judge the lovestruck loon with cliché cry and claim, forget......."
Last stanza: I have trouble with the sense of it. You exhort your subject (the cynical critic) to read the words of "those who once knew love" but then you interject another instruction to the critic to "find what once was lost." That confuses the whole rest of the stanza. Are you recommending that he read, or that he go and find, "the endless searcher;" the "thwarted soul bereaved, bereft, alone;" and so on? You could change it to "Read words from those who once knew love, to find what once was lost;".
Anyway, it is a fun and wryly humorous read. Write on.
L3 you're straining the rhyme by reversing the word order. Also, it seems unnecessary to say "hearts" when you are talking about one heart. "--ice" is an easy rhyme, I suggest revision.
L7 I was unsettled by the rhyme of "claim" with "pain." All your other rhymes are straightforward, with no other slant or internal rhymes. It seems the overall tone is facetious so I think you could replace either word with an exact rhyme without too much trouble.
L5/6 grammatical suggestion: change it to "You, who would judge the lovestruck loon with cliché cry and claim, forget......."
Last stanza: I have trouble with the sense of it. You exhort your subject (the cynical critic) to read the words of "those who once knew love" but then you interject another instruction to the critic to "find what once was lost." That confuses the whole rest of the stanza. Are you recommending that he read, or that he go and find, "the endless searcher;" the "thwarted soul bereaved, bereft, alone;" and so on? You could change it to "Read words from those who once knew love, to find what once was lost;".
Anyway, it is a fun and wryly humorous read. Write on.