Cotton Candy Sheep - Fourth Draft

[tectak]

A prior critique suggested that the first work needed more 'grammar'. So I chose to follow advice and have expanded on this piece.  


Cotton Candy Sheep [Fourth Draft]

Cotton Candy Sheep;
Velvet mouths wake screaming,Why the comma here? Don't get mad....get even. Make sense with punctuation. That's what it's for
obscenities sickly sweet. Oh. This is wordy, contradictory nonsense so you have two problems.
Bleating into the abyss; Avoid the abyss...in life and poetry. It is a cliche cliff.
sheepish hooves go trotting, There may be more to this Iine than even you realise...or am I over-crediting you? "Sheepish" does have a duality of meaning which right now gives me cause  for consideration. Nope. Don't get it.
into the deepest pitch. Pitch? Help. It could be me.
 
The cries ring shrill, Cries do that...cliches, too
creeping into daydreams.
sliver needles picking,
unraveling tender seams. Believe me, I am trying to extract meaning from this but I am not astute enough for this profundity.
The dark is winter still;
a promise of dead offerings. Er...could I tentatively point out that these last two lines seem to have been accidentally pasted here. You may want to delete them.

Monsters pray in crawling thorns.
Doe eyes plead quietly, Deer are doe, dear. Sheep are slitty things. Which is it?
hungry for dawn.
Strange beasts stalk the black, The black what? This is getting tedious
gluttonous bellies growl violently;
unleashing the demon pack. You are now lost in a miasma of incomprehensible unmatched terminology. Stop. Read. Reconsider. Clarify. Rewrite.

Whispers bleed from throats torn,
thoughts echo words unsaid. Rubbish by any definition. You have given up on this and cannot wait to end it....I suppose that is cause for celebration.
the night is stillborn;
rivers run ribbon red. No they do not. Ribbon rivers run read, maybe. Ribbon is NOT a  colour.

Well, I could give credit for consistency but that would not help you write better poetry. This is a string of emotivity. You simply MUST try to make the string into a bag so that the contents are safe and secure. The critical cry for punctuation is invariably another way of saying, politely, that your thoughts need clarification. Punctuation is powerless if the piece is nonsensically worded. The last line is telling. Do you see? I left your worshipping monsters in their crawling thorns to see if you would spot the error. If you do not, then there is not much more can be done....except, perhaps, to suggest that you READ your work out loud, hear your own words, then CHECK spelling and word meaning so that the crit can at least comment on the finer points.
Best,
do not give up,
tectak


Cotton Candy Sheep [Third Draft]

Sullied cotton candy sheep
velvet mouths wake screaming
obscenities sickly sweet

The sound it creeps into daydreams
stick needles picking
unraveling tender seams

Low hides crouch in crawling thorns
doe eyes stare blindly
hungry for dawn

Whispers echo words unsaid
the night is stillborn
rivers run ribbon red


Cotton Candy Sheep [Second Draft]

Silly sullied cotton candy sheep
velvet mouths wake screaming
the bleating is sickly sweet

The sound it creeps into dreams
stick needles picking
unseemingly unraveling seams

Tattered hides crouch low in thistle and thorn
dull eyed, doe eyes stare blindly
hungry for dawn

Silent cries echo words unsaid
the night is stillborn
rivers run ribbon red.


Cotton Candy Sheep [First Draft]

Silly sullied cotton candy sheep
velvet mouths wake screaming
the bleating is sickly sweet

The sound it creeps into dreams
stick needles picking
unseemingly unraveling seams

Tattered hides crouch low in thistle and thorn
dull eyed, doe eyes stare blindly
hungry for the dawn

Silent cries echo of words left unsaid
the night is stillborn
as rivers run ribbon red.

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