Ablaze (need help with the edit)

[zahrakh]

Awake in the flame,
like lucid dreaming in hell
Intoxicating, a fragrance folded within thoughts
Sweet torment she won't let go of.
Unending visions -- waltz on swirls of passion
Fatigued soul falling in an abyss
where a desperate sightlessness surrounds.
Fingers fumbling for a hand,
only to be seared by molten betrayals.
Moments shared, togetherness; demons in saints'
clothes,
and their chants that cast her heart
into darkness.

[Erthona]

First, a little house cleaning. Please do not capitalize the start of every line, it creates confusion, and makes the poem difficult to read. Such affectations went out in the 1950's, and for good reason. If you can give a good rationale to capitalize the start of each line I would be glad to hear it. Because it looks more poetic is not a worthy justification.  

On to the poem. I don't know if I can help with the edit, I can point out some possibly problematic things, which you are free to reject. I try to give a rationale for why I think they are a problem.  

"like lucid dreaming in hell"

This just seems awkward as hell (no pun intended). To say you are lucid dreaming in hell means that is where your body is while your mind is experiencing lucid dreaming. Plus it is juxtaposed to the line "Awake in the flame" as though that is meant to say something more than just the normal "in flames" as there is rarely just one. So the reader will think you are making a point about it being a single flame, but nothing that follows indicates that the statement has much import. maybe I'm dense but I do not see how

"Awake in the flame" is like "lucid dreaming in hell". How is that?

"Intoxicating, a fragrance folded within thoughts"

"Intoxicating" is not a noun, but here you are attempting to use it as one. The way that this is written is the word "Intoxicating" defined as: a fragrance folded within thoughts. That may make some kind of sense to you, it makes little to me.
Nor do I see how that relates to the next line:

"Sweet torment she won't let go of."

what exactly is the "sweet torment" and where did "she" come from?

Is "sweet torment" "a fragrance folded within thoughts"? I suppose one could say it is sweet, but certainly not a torment. I'm confused.

Sorry, I think I will stop there. The rest seems more of the same. Most of these phrases make no sense, OK one last one, they're like potato chips. Please answer me this, what is:

"a desperate sightlessness surrounds?"   A desperate tastelessness surrounds.

As "sightlessness" is the noun form of the word "sightless", I am having a difficult time making sense out of this. Of course if you were using the adjectival for it, I doubt it would make much difference.  

You have these phrases that might be good if you had something around them that made them make sense. You don't. It's as though you went and found pithy little sayings and very loosely stitched them together to form this poem. Of course some are just plays on a theme.

"demons in saints' clothes"

"wolf in a lamb's skin"

I've read through this several times, and still I have no idea what the role of "she" is, or even who "she" is, or why "she" is in the poem.  

Maybe you'll get more helpful suggestion from others.


Dale

[tectak]

Awake in the flame,
like lucid dreaming in hell
Intoxicating, a fragrance folded within thoughts
Sweet torment she won't let go of.
Unending visions -- waltz on swirls of passion
Fatigued soul falling in an abyss
where a desperate sightlessness surrounds.
Fingers fumbling for a hand,
only to be seared by molten betrayals.
Moments shared, togetherness; demons in saints'
clothes,
and their chants that cast her heart
into darkness.

Just to give you some idea of how manical your ranging thoughts come across I would like you to read what you have written below and tell me if you can spot the difference in meaning firom the original.

Moments shared, togetherness; demons in saints'
clothes,
like lucid dreaming in hell
where a desperate sightlessness surrounds
Fatigued soul falling in an abyss
Intoxicating, a fragrance folded within thoughts
and their chants that cast her heart
into darkness.
only to be seared by molten betrayals.
Fingers fumbling for a hand,
Sweet torment she won't let go of.
Unending visions -- waltz on swirls of passion
Awake in the flame.

Nope. nor can I. You see, it is random and random thoughts can be rearranged...er...randomly, without increase or decrease in meaning. All you have done is drop a bucketful of vaguely poetic and certainly pedantic chinese fortune cookie contents on to the page and it just won't do.
Sorry, but Merry Christmas anyway.
Best,
tectak
PS, Take heed of Erthona. Capitals on line starts will not save you.

[zahrakh]

Thank you both for the kind and helpful critique.

[tectak]

Thank you both for the kind and helpful critique.

I am as uncertain of the intent in your reply as I was in the poem. To err cautiously, I will assume you are sincere not cynical.
The piece is blatantly striving to be poetic but there is no clearly defined central metaphor...and that is the core issue.

Fragrant phrases like "Unending visions--(???) waltz on swirls of passion" just do not stand up to scrutiny. Unending visions. What does unending mean? OK. Processional and unbroken. If modifying "visions" you can add phantasma into infinity. Where does this fit in to your theme in the light of the broken future which jerks onwards...fallen into an abyss is pretty halting, "moments" shared is staccato thinking, casting of a heart into darkness seems terminal.
Worse, how do you reconcile visions waltzing ON swirls with the very next word...fatigued. No. You must get your thoughts in order BEFORE submitting them to the page...but more, before offering them up for critique; even with the plea for help attached.
Many poetry sites will encourage this kind of muddled thinking by eulogy. You will be told it is "wonderfully" this and "awesomely" that....you will be so in love with your poetic skills that perpetuation of mediocrity is inevitable. This is your chance to write something that has intent, structure, metaphor and meaning. Poetry.
All is opinion, of course. You decide.
Best,
tectak

[zahrakh]

lol tectak I am actually grateful for the critique, and thank you again for revisiting. :-D I get your points. Next time I'll try to organise and revise more before posting it here.

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This poem has alreasy received some "wonderfully" this and beautifully that comments so I would've been satisfied by that I wouldn't have posted it here. :-)

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This poem has alreasy received some "wonderfully" this and beautifully that comments so I would've been satisfied by that I wouldn't have posted it here. :-)

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Ooopss sorry I don't how the above comment got posted twice, please don't kill me for this.

[Erthona]

Criticism

The truth is fragrant
A sharp stick
an unknown adversary
always behind and difficult to face.

Sorry couldn't resist. Top points for being able to take criticism so well. Merry Christmas.

Dale

[zahrakh]

The truth is fragrant
A sharp stick
an unknown adversary
always behind and difficult to face.

Nice. And sorry for posting off-topic comment again. Merry Christmas to you all. I think I'll spend some time on criticism as well as I've been told my critiques were bit un-critiquey, lol Hope that'll help me with my work as we :-D Winter is a tough for me this time because of the sickness... so I'm bit 'foggy-headed'. :p