Cotton Candy Sheep - Fourth Draft

[Pyxx]

A prior critique suggested that the first work needed more 'grammar'. So I chose to follow advice and have expanded on this piece.  


Cotton Candy Sheep [Fourth Draft]

Cotton Candy Sheep;
Velvet mouths wake screaming,
obscenities sickly sweet.
Bleating into the abyss;
sheepish hooves go trotting,
into the deepest pitch.
 
The cries ring shrill,
creeping into daydreams.
sliver needles picking,
unraveling tender seams.
The dark is winter still;
a promise of dead offerings.

Monsters pray in crawling thorns.
Doe eyes plead quietly,
hungry for dawn.
Strange beasts stalk the black,
gluttonous bellies growl violently;
unleashing the demon pack.

Whispers bleed from throats torn,
thoughts echo words unsaid.
the night is stillborn;
rivers run ribbon red.


Cotton Candy Sheep [Third Draft]

Sullied cotton candy sheep
velvet mouths wake screaming
obscenities sickly sweet

The sound it creeps into daydreams
stick needles picking
unraveling tender seams

Low hides crouch in crawling thorns
doe eyes stare blindly
hungry for dawn

Whispers echo words unsaid
the night is stillborn
rivers run ribbon red


Cotton Candy Sheep [Second Draft]

Silly sullied cotton candy sheep
velvet mouths wake screaming
the bleating is sickly sweet

The sound it creeps into dreams
stick needles picking
unseemingly unraveling seams

Tattered hides crouch low in thistle and thorn
dull eyed, doe eyes stare blindly
hungry for dawn

Silent cries echo words unsaid
the night is stillborn
rivers run ribbon red.


Cotton Candy Sheep [First Draft]

Silly sullied cotton candy sheep
velvet mouths wake screaming
the bleating is sickly sweet

The sound it creeps into dreams
stick needles picking
unseemingly unraveling seams

Tattered hides crouch low in thistle and thorn
dull eyed, doe eyes stare blindly
hungry for the dawn

Silent cries echo of words left unsaid
the night is stillborn
as rivers run ribbon red.