12-16-2014, 02:05 PM
I enjoyed some of the conceptual/ aesthetic parts of this poem: meadows of failure, rusting leg imagery, thick, dusty air - very well done.
Criticism:
Awkward break between deaths [sic] and gaze.
"Dreams are only as they seem" <-- Would they be something they don't seem to be? OK, I get that, but...
Meaning is deaths shadow
in the meadow of failure.
Your delusion, a snare. " <---- If the delusion is a snare, then the dream isn't the snare (it's exactly what it seems). Is this your intent?
I guess what I am saying is that I don't really understand what you're saying. It seems as though you have two opposing views that you're trying to congeal, which is fine - if it's consistent with your poem or makes sense with what you're saying. It seems to me that the intent is for a pessimistic, dark poem, but what you really have is melodrama.
I suggest taking a step back and focus on exactly what you are trying to say. You may find your words will be much different than the ones you have now.
-BW
Criticism:
Awkward break between deaths [sic] and gaze.
"Dreams are only as they seem" <-- Would they be something they don't seem to be? OK, I get that, but...
Meaning is deaths shadow
in the meadow of failure.
Your delusion, a snare. " <---- If the delusion is a snare, then the dream isn't the snare (it's exactly what it seems). Is this your intent?
I guess what I am saying is that I don't really understand what you're saying. It seems as though you have two opposing views that you're trying to congeal, which is fine - if it's consistent with your poem or makes sense with what you're saying. It seems to me that the intent is for a pessimistic, dark poem, but what you really have is melodrama.
I suggest taking a step back and focus on exactly what you are trying to say. You may find your words will be much different than the ones you have now.
-BW