12-11-2014, 12:49 PM
I just want to open by telling you that, while this poem is incredibly saddening, I like it very much. I think you have some serious potential from what I've seen here, and though you could use some refining (everyone could), I think that you are an inspired writer, which is an important first step.
So many disparate pieces Your word choice here instantly draws me in; I really appreciate how you used disparate instead of 'separate' ,or something like that. It keeps that rhythm but is much less cliche, and it conveys your tone just beautifully.
Once a part of a beautiful puzzle Again, your conveyance of how low you feel to have fallen is very well portrayed. I actually disagree with an above commentor; I prefer the two 'a's. I think it improves the rhythm in some ways. Though think this through: your first line brought up many disparate pieces, but here you use singular phraseslike 'a part'. I think you can come up with some phrase that makes it stronger.
Floating further and further away I like the rhythm that this repetition gives, but it is a bit cliche and commonplace. Jazzing it up makes it more fun to read, and thusly makes for better poetry, as the reader will get into it more easily and you can really speak to them if they are fully drawn in.
Each in their own tormented orbits I am intrigued by this phrase; I enjoy the paradox created by all of these pieces of yourself being seen as separate, though they are all part of the same thing. It conveys a great sense of conflict that seems to be a big part of what you are trying to convey.
Memories of a past that seems cruelly happy seem would fit as opposed to seems. Perhaps something you may consider is relating this line and the previous one more... smoothly? More meaning could be imbued in this poem if you were to describe how the memories plague those individual bits in their own orbits, you know? Try to 'show' the reader these feelings instead of just blatantly stating that there ARE memories of a cruelly happy past; how do the memories relate to your feelings?
Drifting further away Is it really such a bad thing that something causing you pain (your cruelly happy past) is drifting away? I see what you are trying to convey here. but a revision is probably in order.
Objects in mirror are farther than they appear one of my favorite lines
Nurturing new bonds is my medication the segue to this thought could be better
Without these, life would be meaningless You seem to have already implied the meaninglessness of your own life with all of this conflict.
And yet, the pain still lingers cliche but... good
The memories of warmth and joy memories seems redundant; perhaps 'fading remnants of recollection, the warmth and joy I once knew;' or something like that. Obviously this is your poem, but I'm trying to give you ideas
A familial bond seemingly untouchable nice paradox
Broken, shattered, flushed away bond broken.. that part's good. However, the flushed is... less fitting.
Never to return, never to breathe again If you are going to personify a familial bond, at least give it a personality, or something to do besides 'never breathing again'; especially when the reader had never heard of it breathing before.
Drifting further away good refocusing/repetition to keep the mood going. work on connecting the tangential thoughts in the poem though
Feelings of being trapped in chains How can one be drifting whilst encumbered by so much baggage? Perhaps that is a question you want your reader to ask.. if so, bravo
The weight is unforgiving just like your past :o
What once seemed so clear has rendered itself hazy rendered itself? how about something more dramatic; after all, it is the fading of focus in life.. to you it seems a tragedy; make it more discomfiting or sad
A blindness of the future, a distaste of the present to the future, perhaps.
Like a useless compass, whizzing around in circles hm... not bad, but whizzing around in circles is a weak phraseology
Never to land on one direction to land? meh... there are better words for this situation; better phrases too
Always searching for the true answer true answer seems redundant.. this line can be revised to great improvement
A cosmic exploration of life's meanings, pains, and more
Forever drifting, further and further away
I like the last few lines quite a bit. Just make sure to really focus on conveying a feeling or experience in a poem; wandering thoughts can bore the reader and detract from the meaning of the poem. Over all, I like it and would like to see a revision some day soon
So many disparate pieces Your word choice here instantly draws me in; I really appreciate how you used disparate instead of 'separate' ,or something like that. It keeps that rhythm but is much less cliche, and it conveys your tone just beautifully.
Once a part of a beautiful puzzle Again, your conveyance of how low you feel to have fallen is very well portrayed. I actually disagree with an above commentor; I prefer the two 'a's. I think it improves the rhythm in some ways. Though think this through: your first line brought up many disparate pieces, but here you use singular phraseslike 'a part'. I think you can come up with some phrase that makes it stronger.
Floating further and further away I like the rhythm that this repetition gives, but it is a bit cliche and commonplace. Jazzing it up makes it more fun to read, and thusly makes for better poetry, as the reader will get into it more easily and you can really speak to them if they are fully drawn in.
Each in their own tormented orbits I am intrigued by this phrase; I enjoy the paradox created by all of these pieces of yourself being seen as separate, though they are all part of the same thing. It conveys a great sense of conflict that seems to be a big part of what you are trying to convey.
Memories of a past that seems cruelly happy seem would fit as opposed to seems. Perhaps something you may consider is relating this line and the previous one more... smoothly? More meaning could be imbued in this poem if you were to describe how the memories plague those individual bits in their own orbits, you know? Try to 'show' the reader these feelings instead of just blatantly stating that there ARE memories of a cruelly happy past; how do the memories relate to your feelings?
Drifting further away Is it really such a bad thing that something causing you pain (your cruelly happy past) is drifting away? I see what you are trying to convey here. but a revision is probably in order.
Objects in mirror are farther than they appear one of my favorite lines
Nurturing new bonds is my medication the segue to this thought could be better
Without these, life would be meaningless You seem to have already implied the meaninglessness of your own life with all of this conflict.
And yet, the pain still lingers cliche but... good
The memories of warmth and joy memories seems redundant; perhaps 'fading remnants of recollection, the warmth and joy I once knew;' or something like that. Obviously this is your poem, but I'm trying to give you ideas
A familial bond seemingly untouchable nice paradox
Broken, shattered, flushed away bond broken.. that part's good. However, the flushed is... less fitting.
Never to return, never to breathe again If you are going to personify a familial bond, at least give it a personality, or something to do besides 'never breathing again'; especially when the reader had never heard of it breathing before.
Drifting further away good refocusing/repetition to keep the mood going. work on connecting the tangential thoughts in the poem though
Feelings of being trapped in chains How can one be drifting whilst encumbered by so much baggage? Perhaps that is a question you want your reader to ask.. if so, bravo
The weight is unforgiving just like your past :o
What once seemed so clear has rendered itself hazy rendered itself? how about something more dramatic; after all, it is the fading of focus in life.. to you it seems a tragedy; make it more discomfiting or sad
A blindness of the future, a distaste of the present to the future, perhaps.
Like a useless compass, whizzing around in circles hm... not bad, but whizzing around in circles is a weak phraseology
Never to land on one direction to land? meh... there are better words for this situation; better phrases too
Always searching for the true answer true answer seems redundant.. this line can be revised to great improvement
A cosmic exploration of life's meanings, pains, and more
Forever drifting, further and further away
I like the last few lines quite a bit. Just make sure to really focus on conveying a feeling or experience in a poem; wandering thoughts can bore the reader and detract from the meaning of the poem. Over all, I like it and would like to see a revision some day soon