The Iceberg:

[Filíocht]

The Iceberg

Whom amongst you would defy
the dyad rite of life and death,
nor whom amongst you could deny
the right to die, forsake life's breath?
None - as salient to the seer
that we are mere observers in
the puppet-show of reality's theatre
of whom senses are but distant kin,
we are but droplets in the ocean
of time and space - of 'God',
deluded in thinking our devotion
to aught is of any odds;
any such who bears eye and ear
dons senses with which to salvage scrap
of the waking mind, which is mere
solecism to the sub-conscious satrap
who hents the minds of many men,
men of such bears for they would but
adhere to mere primal perception,
never to their base bonds cut;
for had Freud boarded the Titanic
and be drowned by his own allegory
would the ironic ice-berg's panic
be but another tragic story;
underlying the surface coincidences hint
covertly to even the least amongst us
of a force within - potent yet latent
like Sleeping-Beauty for man to buss,
buried beneath a midden of senses
of whomsoever employs eye and ear
with which to build conscious defences,
are slaves still to the sub-conscious puppeteer.
In the depths of the mind's ocean lies
the icy myriad of truth concealed
to the mentally vacant - but to the wise
is the deep veiled reality revealed.

- Free will

[azure]

The Iceberg

Whom amongst you would dare defy
the dyad rite of life and death,
nor whom amongst you could deny
the right to die, to forsake life's breath?
None - as is salient to the seer
that we are mere observers in
the puppet-show of reality's theatre
of whom senses are but distant kin,
we are but droplets in the ocean
of time and space - of 'God',
deluded in thinking our devotion
to aught is of any odds;
any such who bears eye and ear
dons senses with which to salvage scrap
of the waking mind, which is mere
solecism to the sub-conscious satrap
who hents the minds of many men,
men of such bears for they would but
adhere to mere primal perception,
never to their base bonds cut;
for had Freud boarded the Titanic
and be drowned by his own allegory
would the ironic ice-berg's panic
be but another tragic story;
underlying the surface coincidences hint
covertly to even the least amongst us
of a force within - potent yet latent
like Sleeping-Beauty for man to buss,
buried beneath a midden of senses
of whomsoever employs eye and ear
with which to build conscious defences,
are slaves still to the sub-conscious puppeteer.
In the depths of the mind's ocean lies
the icy myriad of truth concealed
to the mentally vacant - but to the wise
is the deep veiled reality revealed.

- Free will

As a rhyming piece, the meter in this was off. It changed pace at awkward intervals and was weighed down by clunky language. I do appreciate the meaning and subject matter of this poem, yet I think this should be edited to effectively execute the expression with a better adherence to a meaningful meter. (That was a mouthful, lol.) It was intriguing, but at it's current state, it failed to have an impact. Keep honing!

Azure

[Filíocht]

Thanks for reading, duly noted.

[Isaias]

The Iceberg

Whom amongst you would dare defy
the dyad rite of life and death,
nor whom amongst you could deny
the right to die, to forsake life's breath? the word "to" throws off the rhythm
None - as is salient to the seer "is" throws off the rhythm
that we are mere observers in
the puppet-show of reality's theatre "of" throws off the rhythm. Could be replaced by punctuation
of whom senses are but distant kin,
we are but droplets in the ocean
of time and space - of 'God',
deluded in thinking our devotion
to aught is of any odds;
any such who bears eye and ear
dons senses with which to salvage scrap
of the waking mind, which is mere
solecism to the sub-conscious satrap
who hents the minds of many men,
men of such bears for they would but
adhere to mere primal perception,
never to their base bonds cut;
for had Freud boarded the Titanic
and be drowned by his own allegory
would the ironic ice-berg's panic
be but another tragic story;
underlying the surface coincidences hint
covertly to even the least amongst us
of a force within - potent yet latent
like Sleeping-Beauty for man to buss,
buried beneath a midden of senses
of whomsoever employs eye and ear
with which to build conscious defences,
are slaves still to the sub-conscious puppeteer.
In the depths of the mind's ocean lies
the icy myriad of truth concealed
to the mentally vacant - but to the wise
is the deep veiled reality revealed.

- Free will

Great piece. I enjoyed your message and your use of imagery. I noticed that oftentimes the rhythm was thrown off by simple prepositions and verbs. I pointed a few out. Interesting how you used this entire concept as a vehicle to put fort the idea of atheism.

[Filíocht]

Thanks for the feedback, I get what you mean now, will continue to edit as per your advice.

[milo]

The Iceberg

Whom amongst you would dare defy
the dyad rite of life and death,
nor whom amongst you could deny
the right to die, to forsake life's breath?
None - as is salient to the seer
that we are mere observers in
the puppet-show of reality's theatre
of whom senses are but distant kin,
we are but droplets in the ocean
of time and space - of 'God',
deluded in thinking our devotion
to aught is of any odds;
any such who bears eye and ear
dons senses with which to salvage scrap
of the waking mind, which is mere
solecism to the sub-conscious satrap
who hents the minds of many men,
men of such bears for they would but
adhere to mere primal perception,
never to their base bonds cut;
for had Freud boarded the Titanic
and be drowned by his own allegory
would the ironic ice-berg's panic
be but another tragic story;
underlying the surface coincidences hint
covertly to even the least amongst us
of a force within - potent yet latent
like Sleeping-Beauty for man to buss,
buried beneath a midden of senses
of whomsoever employs eye and ear
with which to build conscious defences,
are slaves still to the sub-conscious puppeteer.
In the depths of the mind's ocean lies
the icy myriad of truth concealed
to the mentally vacant - but to the wise
is the deep veiled reality revealed.

- Free will

As a rhyming piece, the meter in this was off. It changed pace at awkward intervals and was weighed down by clunky language. I do appreciate the meaning and subject matter of this poem, yet I think this should be edited to effectively execute the expression with a better adherence to a meaningful meter. (That was a mouthful, lol.) It was intriguing, but at it's current state, it failed to have an impact. Keep honing!

Azure

"Who" is the subject form of the pronoun, "whom" is the object form.

[Filíocht]

How easy it sounds on the ears takes precedent over tedious technicalities though - no?

[milo]

How easy it sounds on the ears takes precedent over tedious technicalities though - no?

When things are grammatically wrong they tend to sound very poor on the ears.

(Ps- "nor" is incorrect as well, you may want to consider proof reading)

[nb]

Hi Filiocht!

I second what folks have said about making your verse more ear-friendly. Sounding clunky to the ear makes the reader (me, at least) less inclined to delve more deeply into it.

nb

[ExpressionofZero]

I love the layout of the poem. I must say though, I don't find the "clunky" sounds of the poem to be a turn off, it makes it intriguing to me.

"Whom amongst you would dare defy
the dyad rite of life and death,"

Alliteration is rampantly abundant which is a weakness of mine!

Good work