12-04-2014, 12:27 PM
I thoroughly enjoyed this poem, word choice, and tone. It reminded me a of Emily Dickinson's formatting a little.
- on this issue of the word decadent to describe angels, I could go ether way. I believe if you want to really make the reader think (and possible go off on a tangent is his/her own mind) leave it. Some people have said they do not like so many adj. in your poem, but I do like them. They make the reader slow down when reading this piece. I like the parallel of "souring white wine" (which also really flows well) to "champagne has grown stale" as they both are about alcohol going bad. your lines, " and stuttering, my hand in yours
yawns across the night –" really make me slow down at the words "yours yawns". I know they are on two separate lines, but I even stumble when reading it in my head. It slows me down and really makes me think.
I am sorry I do not have any feed back for better changes, I love this poem.
- on this issue of the word decadent to describe angels, I could go ether way. I believe if you want to really make the reader think (and possible go off on a tangent is his/her own mind) leave it. Some people have said they do not like so many adj. in your poem, but I do like them. They make the reader slow down when reading this piece. I like the parallel of "souring white wine" (which also really flows well) to "champagne has grown stale" as they both are about alcohol going bad. your lines, " and stuttering, my hand in yours
yawns across the night –" really make me slow down at the words "yours yawns". I know they are on two separate lines, but I even stumble when reading it in my head. It slows me down and really makes me think.
I am sorry I do not have any feed back for better changes, I love this poem.
--BeacherJosh