Chemo

[cjchaffin]

hi azure. there's a lot to like about this. it's raw, it's honest, it hits hard without apology. i like that a lot in a poem. 

that being said, the first strophe is riddled with -ing endings, present participles that i think could be whittled out in favor of more concrete past tense verbs. 

the second strophe is much stronger and really gut-wrenching. 

the lack of punctuation doesn't bother me much, but i do find myself having to read certain sections repeatedly 
so that i can fully grasp the phrasing, which in and of itself is not a bad thing, it just would be easier if there were a few commas here and there 

Edit One

My youth was spent
playing games of chess
with myself debating
mass murder over
masturbation
groping in the dark
for Daddy’s love singing
I’m sorry I’m sorry <--maybe put in italics to separate it from the rest of the narrative?
while letting him wither
on the chemo cushion
awaiting the cruel
morning dew.

Acid breakfasts of
antidepressants
left my stomach aching
for saltine crackers
and a farewell swig
of Fireball found
just in time for
clumsy finger-banging
in my sister’s room
where Dad slept
when his liver hurt.


Original Post


My youth was spent
playing games of chess
with myself debating
mass murder over
baby oil truancy
groping in the dark
for Daddy’s love singing
I’m sorry I’m sorry
while letting him wither
on the chemo cushion
awaiting the cruel
morning dew.

Acid breakfasts of
antidepressants
left my stomach aching
for saltine crackers
And a farewell swig
Of Fireball found
just in time for
clumsy finger-banging
in my sister’s room
where Dad slept
when his liver hurt.