The Stutterer (Mwaba Don)

[Mwaba don]

Obstacle crop up forces emotion
slow down, like a motorist spots
potholes and cautiously adjusts,
in conditions of social discomfort.

Silent pauses occur involuntarily,
like compressing and loosening
a gas hose concurrently,
sounds are annoyingly prolonged.

But with dynamic desire to orate,
as though realizing a positive idea
trickling memories of mumbling flow,
dialog goes on remorseful  hold.

A part of a stutterers nature,
as if ones forced on a life path
that coaches in a torturous way
the harmony of body and discourse.

[makeshift]

This poem was difficult to read. I think your similes are solid and give some unique insights but they're over shadowed by grammar issues, the syntax, and all the modifying words. The first sentence for example, I like the idea with the motorist, where life is a road and potholes are social discomforts, that makes sense and despite never riding a motorcycle I can imagine what it might feel like to meet a pothole with caution. But the way that sentence functions doesn't really make sense, I'd expect something more like "An obstacle crops up, forcing emotion. In conditions of social discomfort, slow down, like a motorist cautiously adjusting as he spots potholes"  Thats probably not perfect either, and maybe it doesn't say exactly what your trying to say but I think its easier to read.  Anyway its your poem, just my 2 cents > . <
Thnx for sharing.

[billy]

a big plus for effort and trying to use the simile as an image, a suggestion would be to to make both parts better related. look out for excess with small words

Obstacle crop up forces emotion this line lets the whole poem down, (if the first word should be obstacles?)
slow down, like a motorist spots
potholes and cautiously adjusts,
in conditions of social discomfort. personally i think you need to make the opening more coherent, i think it's trying to hard to be a poem. the simile could work but doesn't. [like a cautious motorist
adjusts for potholes] that said it's doesn't connect well enough to the action of stuttering

Silent pauses occur involuntarily, [involuntary pauses] is all that's really needed. the simily is again being forced by the reader to fit the opening statement
like compressing and loosening
a gas hose concurrently,
sounds are annoyingly prolonged. no need for [are]

But with dynamic desire to orate,
as though realizing a positive idea
trickling memories of mumbling flow,
dialog goes on remorseful  hold.

A part of a stutterers nature,
as if ones forced on a life path
that coaches in a torturous way
the harmony of body and discourse.

[azure]

Obstacle crop up forces emotion
slow down, like a motorist spots this dosen't make sense, and seems to have grammatical issues.
potholes and cautiously adjusts, didn't like the enjambment.
in conditions of social discomfort.

Silent pauses occur involuntarily, Language seems forced and robotic
like compressing and loosening more robtic word choice
a gas hose concurrently, Concurrently doesn't seem to fit here.
sounds are annoyingly prolonged. lots of 'ing(s)' here, too many, they stifle the expression.

But with dynamic desire to orate, nice d(s)
as though realizing a positive idea
trickling memories of mumbling flow,
dialog goes on remorseful  hold. Your enjambments seem forced and they aren't effective.

A part of a stutterers nature, This line seems really devoid of poetic expressiveness, I suggest, "showing not telling", annoying advice, I assure you.
as if ones forced on a life path Drop 'ones'.
that coaches in a torturous way I like this line, good imagery.
the harmony of body and discourse.

This poem obviously had a well of inspiration behind it, yet I think the intellect choked the life force out of your expression. The word choice seems robotic and devoid of color and emotionally charged imagery. I suggest adhering to the phrase: "show, don't tell". You must strive for refining your poems, drawing upon the internal, yet fully utilizing technique and discipline. You obviously have a lot of powerful emotional sources to utilize, and that is excellent. Let that pain and fury fuel your art. Keep at it.

Azure