11-20-2014, 04:49 AM
Nice. A couple of minor adjustments I would suggest
Raindrops swelled and rolled
Raindrops clustered, rolling?
down the mud wall. A clump of wildflowers
Not sure that you would have a wall made of mud? Wattled wall? perhaps? Also would fix having 'mud wall' in this line and 'muddied reminder' in the next.
Personal taste, but 'wild flowers' rather than 'wildflowers'?
wilted, and left behind a muddied remainder again personal taste, but 'leaving behind a muddied reminder'? The less 'ands' the better (in my opinion).
I'm still not keen on 'muddied' as a reminder, as it doesn't tie in with the fabulous last line. 'Sultry' is still dirty enough and also fits in nicely with a monsoon
of the monsoon and his warm breath
Perfect last line.
Raindrops swelled and rolled
Raindrops clustered, rolling?
down the mud wall. A clump of wildflowers
Not sure that you would have a wall made of mud? Wattled wall? perhaps? Also would fix having 'mud wall' in this line and 'muddied reminder' in the next.
Personal taste, but 'wild flowers' rather than 'wildflowers'?
wilted, and left behind a muddied remainder again personal taste, but 'leaving behind a muddied reminder'? The less 'ands' the better (in my opinion).
I'm still not keen on 'muddied' as a reminder, as it doesn't tie in with the fabulous last line. 'Sultry' is still dirty enough and also fits in nicely with a monsoon
of the monsoon and his warm breath
Perfect last line.